Digging Dirt

I wonder. Should I feel bad for this or not? I know somewhere in my closet of Integrity and Character I maybe shouldn't be spying on my prospective boss but hey you left a cookie trail. I just followed. Lol. Well as some of you may know I moved back to the Islands. The journey has been crazy at times but great overall in terms of learning. I definitely needed this time on Bonaire. I've learned so much and reconciled so much of myself that I had lost.

But back to the Boss story. So I am in the process of interviewing and all that. I am one to research everything. Yeah everything! If you thunk it, high probability that I've Googled it. Google Search is an extension of my brain. I've officially claimed it as an extraneous organ. What would I do without Google?

So I talked to a prospective boss, and he was telling me all sorts of stuff. Well lo and behold when I was searching stuff on Google that his profile shows up. Mm mm mmm...I get his Linked In, and even some pics he obviously tried to delete yet Google still has indexed. Aaah.. *giggles*

John Stewart face to my "findings". *Giggles*
umm...let me make sure I'm square on Google.

Toodles!

Sober : The Evolution of Christie

[ Defined] :

• not affected by a chemical substance (especially alcohol)
• cause to become sober; "A sobering thought"
• grave: dignified and somber in manner or character and committed to keeping promises; 
• sober up: become more realistic; "After thinking about the potential consequences of his plan, he sobered up"
• drab: lacking brightness or color; dull; 

1. It's been three weeks. Withdrawal is a mud puddle. Seriously! I joined @NaturallyJazzy in her quest for freedom from every negative thing that enslaves us. I gave up alcohol, swearing (even in my head), every form of negative thought and speech, and my own fears. The Journey has been enlightening, instructive, frustrating at times but very liberating. I don't like admitting it but I had made alcohol a coping mechanism the past months (before Tabula Rasa). The mounting stress with immigration, joblessness, finances, and other personal issues made my mind feel like it was bursting at the seams. When I did drink (during the weekends) I downed drinks like they were juice. If a drink didn't savor strongly I'd be put off from it. I sought the mellow feeling which only magnified my problems. Some imprudent decisions were made that I still regret. I had vowed before never to let alcohol become my crutch. Yet I feened for it like I feened for chocolate; in this case chocolate isn't bad. Alcoholism claimed two great-uncles of mine and the thought of becoming a dependent scared me. My conscience was constantly screaming "Red Flag" when it came to alcohol. Now being home with my parents who run a "dry" household- it's been tough at times. Like last Sunday when I walked past the alcohol isle staring at the Jose Cuervo Gold longingly wishing I could savor a sip or two. But as Providence would have it my Dad spotted me and told me "gal ya best walk past there quick before ya get tempted and fall." *sigh indeed- wisdom at its finest*. However, withdrawal feels good. Sounds twisted but it does. I know my body is losing its affinity for a substance. A great development in my case.


2. Sobering Thoughts
How I've been running my life for the past year has been fun but now sobriety has kicked in. Some of my actions made other people bear my consequences. I don't regret staying in the US as long as I did. It was great and I met some great people that God had orchestrated for me to meet. However, the financial debt I incurred is partly being paid with the assistance of my parents. A very sobering and humiliating thought. Here they were preparing to go into retirement mode and I drop into the scene botching things up. I know they are so willing to help though it puts their dreams on a backburner and this bothers me (emotionally). I was supposed to be helping them not vice versa. 


Being home on an island with 11,000 people really slows down your pace. There's little noise and distraction. I'm mostly home. Forget that, I'm nearly always home. My spirit gets to speak to me without much "noise". I hear my fears talking, my insecurities reaching, and my confidence swole up like a peacock. A very interesting mix indeed. I've already had a mini-breakdown but I needed it. I'd been walking for years with a type of invisible defense protecting myself since I have no family in the States. My family were strangers who became friends. Within secure and comfortable bounds- my psyche has the allowance to deconstruct without judgment or criticism. The progress I've made is fantastic. I've learned to see my confidence outside of any variable. I was reminded of my immeasurable worth. Of the fact that no one could denigrate me without my consent. I hand someone the power when I decide to let what they say affect my self-esteem. Great lesson indeed which could not be achieved without sobriety in substance and thought.


3. These developments have led me to be more realistic while broaching realism with unlimited belief in my potential. Sobriety doesn't have to be drab. I think that's one of my great fears. The thought of losing my playfulness in life simply gives me the heeby-jeebies. Sobriety is assuming a new level of responsibility. Of leaving a type of selfishness in action behind and strongly considering the consequences of ones actions on others. Of packing some more parachutes and while at it pack a wilderness survival kit. Not just jumping out the plane in good faith and hope I land right.


I hold these truths to be self-evident. Confidence is key but so is a carefully thought out plan. Yes, caution needs to be thrown to the wind at times but this isn't the best M.O. for life. Guess I'm getting that grown-up responsibility anyway. Though I'm in some type of weird "emerging adulthood" phase as called by the NY Times.


I leave you with their conclusion

“To be a young [American] today is to experience both excitement and uncertainty, wide-open possibility and confusion, new freedoms and new fears,” he writes in “Emerging Adulthood.” During the timeout they are granted from nonstop, often tedious and dispiriting responsibilities, “emerging adults develop skills for daily living, gain a better understanding of who they are and what they want from life and begin to build a foundation for their adult lives.” -NYTIMES "Emerging Adulthood"

I guess it is true. Good things come to those who wait or have their dreams delay. Maybe it's not a delay at all but divine providence to grow, mature even more, and leave a more uplifted person.

Playette

I need to stop playing with this man's emotion just because I want to be entertained. I met him..well no he came and met me at Blue Martini Lounge in West Palm Beach. He brought the jokes and magnified the good times. He had me laughing so hard, my cheeks hurt. He was so gentle and kind. My interest piqued. Especially since I was looking for entertainment before I had to face the music of leaving America- the land I love-the next day. We spent the time dancing and acting silly. The lackluster club started getting visitors because of us. The DJ got hype and spun some more urban/reggae stuff for us to dance to. It was blissful- exactly what I needed for that moment. Him being a pleasant addition to the Bliss. He entertained me and my friend with his quick wit. His friend was gentle and too cute despite the gold teeth. His "thug" image and the personality didn't quite fit (regarding the friend with gold teeth). He quite frankly looked like the dude's manager or body guard and he might've well been.

He's a comedian by night, a trainer by day. He had just finished his show at the Comedy Club next door and walked past Blue Martini and saw us. Decided to make acquaintance. There was no hesitation in his step. My friend makes us take a picture together. He gets all hugged up, his presence is non-threatening, I indulge him with a boo'd up picture. We stay acting silly and he keeps checking if I'm OK. He's not aggressive and stays in speech away from sexual innuendo. It was refreshing compared to all the dudes ready to stay rubbing themselves against your back. We end the night. They walk us back to our car. We're hugged up walking back and still laughing. I'm just about my own happiness at that time. It's nice to have a suitor who pursues but is gentleman like the way through. We keep talking at the car and it's entertaining. Then he keeps making comments about how come I'm single and talking about me in terms about being his wife. Both my friend and I were like..."WHoooOAA Buddy". This seems to be a common occurrence though. Guys claim me hard before I receive the Memo. It usually puts me off but he's so entertaining that I let it slip by. I can feel his connection to me is way deeper than I have to him. My insides stir with sympathy. He's on ocean level while mine is as shallow as a water puddle on asphalt. I pity him because he just walked into a closed door. He just hasn't realized it yet.

I know what I want out of a man. I know myself and I know I can't force a connection with person. I know who's for me and who isn't. This man is a great Mister Right-Now but not Mr. Right. Back to what was happening at that point of the night. He nearly well no he swears his undying allegiance for the rest of his life that he wants to prove to me he's a good man. I'm like, aww.. He's like "you know I make jokes but I'm pretty mature though." I say "well I could sense that because if you weren't I wouldn't have given you the time of day." Aa..I know some of you think I'm brutal...but I'm just brutally honest so there is limited space for confusion.

We kiss. Bliss continues because if he was bad pretty sure night would've been over asap.*chuckle* He's a fantastic kisser. I'm happy in the moment. No flicker of future just now.  He said he wishes he could stay in this moment (aka my mouth). I'm like hmmm...ok...Give me my lips back lol. Now he's really puzzled why I'm single. He's like you're a great kisser, you say you know how to take care of a man, cook, and do all that. Why in tarnation are you single? Aahhh...they don't get that I could be with someone but I don't feen like that. I want to be with someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life being just who we are- no striving or pushing. A connection so simple, so easy, yet so intriguing that I'd like to explore it and build on it for the rest of my life. While I'm single I use my time well to build up my arsenal of adventures, skills in the kitchen and home, and more :-). It's not about being alone but learning to be fulfilled within myself. I truely can say I'm so happy with myself and the roads I've traveled. Some diversions could've been skipped but I learned so much. The after-effects of those moments gave me so much in terms of maturity.

So my friend coaxes him into driving me to the airport. My friend is crazy. I'm like...umm..I don't know if this man is a serial killer/rapist. He picks me up in the morning. He's all shy and ten notches down from where he was last night. He's nervous. I can tell. He keep bringing up having five babies. I'm like ain't no five babies coming out of this. And why we talking babies. We are just getting to know each other. He pumps up the music at times to fill the time. I just feel that it's so adorable ( as in isn't it adorable how the cat is trying to ploy away with a toy). He wants to connect. He knows he's on borrowed time. I'm leaving the country for an unknown time.

We pull over to a gas station. He comes by the passenger side and kisses me again. I push him away pretty quickly. He's trying to relive the "magic" of last night. He says to me to not forget him. I told him "you have my email and I'll send you my phone number from down there but I refuse to make any promises that I might break." He confesses that he hates being single. Red Flag my friends. More like a referee of soccer red card then a blaring red siren. I can understand it for him. He's the type that loves serious committed relationships. He's at that stage in his life. And I think men like that can recognize wife types which I am but I'm not the one to attach myself to every mookie that makes googly eyes at me. Unfortunately for him, I'm not there. I guess I'm still in my "playette" years. It's fun to have someone to entertain me at times but not someone who's going to pull deeply out of me. No, I keep finding my heart rejects that connection. It's not that I'm not open to it but I guess my ying hasn't found its yang yet.

We get to the airport. He helps me with my luggage. He emphasizes wanting to be remembered. Maybe he knows he has fierce competition. He wasn't the only one within these two days asking me to promise my undying devotion. We hug, make out a bit, and I say good-bye. A fun page about to be turned over as soon as I enter the airport. He hangs unto the moment like it's destiny. I see it as a fleeting cloud. Pleasant to look at but so fleeting. I text him when I get home and thank him for his kindness. He responds. In one text calls me baby. I hate being called baby. It implies a closeness we haven't broached yet. I tell him that and say that I hope he's not offended. I can def feel the withdrawal in the next steps as he calls me by my name and says that it's ok- and that he's old enough to deal with my wishes. End of conversation.

In me, though I know it's so fleeting, I want to text him and talk because honestly I'd appreciate some type of distraction right now. But I know it's not good for me and definitely not good for him. I'm already subtly breaking his heart. I really don't want to make it a habit of leaving a trail of broken hearts. A new guyfriend of mine were laughing about how we play the same game. He's like with how you do and what you say- you must've broken  a lot of hearts. I don't think so but it might be the truth I refuse to believe. I'm just honest. Some things are moments, some are mistakes, some are pleasant memories for the future and I faithfully believe for the marriage of forever.

For now, I'm on a moment leading to forever. I pray for the casualties of the journey.

Smooches,

Sassy Island Gal

Bye, Bye, Sigh

Dedicated to Rome that fell

My friends, My comrades, My loved ones

In the middle of Convolution. The place of detachment. Ignoring the pain steadily invading. Breathing up, Thinking up, Minding up! Life is Perception. Forever is Fiction. My Soul Eternal. The glint of self-realization expanded exponentially suddenly snatched from my Reality.

What is this? [It feels like] Incomplete haunts my steps. Slowly coming unto me like an Attacker. Pouncing away what I want to achieve. Just when I'm climbing to the top of Babel- I spill into a new dimension of Confusion.

Hope doesn't escape me. I believe therefore I am. I'll be blessed to fail. I don't damn myself. Queen of Reinvention. Cleopatra ain't got nuthin' on me. Lemons cry for me. I got that Sugar. Bitter tastes Sweet. So what? Oh well!

This ain't no setback. It's a Springboard. I dive deep. Shallow ain't known me. So why you cryin'? I aint dying. Yeah it cuts but it isn't that deep. Yes I bleed. My soul aint steel. But I'll be damned to stay pitying.

I Pause. I let the Present rain over me. My Soul will miss its ties. Your presence strapped around my neck.  Carrying me dapperly into a new Reality. It will be well. Next time you see me, blink I'm gone.

Yet I live on. You know they can't keep me down.
It is what it is. But it will be what I want it to be.
Perception is key

Much love,

Christie

My Immigration Debacle

So for all my concerned friends- here's what's going on.

I've been here under a student VISA for near six years which included a year work VISA. The immigration system is awful to legal immigrants so I can't just call or pay for a Green Card. I have to be sponsored by someone. A job or person can sponsor me as an employee. The application is about $320 but there's the lawyer processing fees which are up in the thousands. The cheapest I've heard is $1500 plus VISA costs. This would tie me to the employer for three years unless I paid the costs.  Well since I haven't worked since February that's not an option. I invested all my money in grad school which gave me a work VISA too. However, I wasn't able to find steady employment in that first semester rendering me broke. Had I found a job in that time I would've kept paying school and had a work VISA to keep working under. Now that I finally have a job offer- my VISA is ending. The crazy dichotomy of my current state. So it's messed up- "purchase" on through school by paying 3k every three months or get sponsored by an employer which gives me more stability.

I appreciate prayers! If anything- I'll go home and if I get a new VISA. I'll be back on the ASAP.

Keep praying! I appreciate it all!!

Much love,

Christie

Falling UP

Where the Wild things are...
That's where I reside
Post up to the Horizon
Running free
Unabashadly me

Victory my currency
Truth my relief
God my need
As I keep running free

Wow, release is so mesmerizing. I am so blissful in the moment I thought would devastate me. The stress is finally gone. Sometimes your worst fear is the best thing that can happen to you. I kept praying to God as I kept believing in Him less and less each day to spare me of my fear. Yet the greatest blessing that He gave me was to let me go through this. I've realized the most important thing He does with humanity is give us a new perspective, a new amazement at life. To see beauty in the ugliest of times or things. What I think should happen in life is too simplistic an answer to the beautiful complexities of life. Simplicity tends to not intrigue me as complexities do. What has come out of my journey is a more complex view of what God really means. The  ridiculous modern cliches many keep spouting are just self-delusions to keep them from seeing how complex life is. If life is that complex, why did you even think that your Creator would be that simple? Look at how intricate the world is. How complex yet deliciously sumptuous it is to the senses. If your "faith" is so shaken when someone challenges your belief then your belief is of no value at all. God is in the details. God resides everywhere. Once you understand the character of someone, you will see it everywhere. I have learned wisdom, I have gained life lessons, and a freedom from fear. I see testimonies of Truth all around me. This is what true belief in God is about. I give over my flawed way of thinking to be endowed the complex mind of Christ. Yup, the situations that sought to break me, the things that diminished my belief, the situations which ebbed away my faith made me into a believing Christian. No hell damnation preacher could ever get me to this point. Life and trials showed me the way. Running away, I ran right into heavenly expectation.

Faith is a journey.
The Journey of an imperfect being grasping the concept of a perfect God.
Perfection is not what I think is fair- it is what the One who created it is.
Only the Originator can understand the full picture.
The creation can only understand the lines.

It speaks for itself

The definition of Insanity

Doing the same thing over and over expecting the same results- but that's what got Edison to invent the necessity that is the lightbulb. After his 10,000+ try he got it right. I'm sure he tweaked his approach each time but he kept at it. Hmm..I'm in the same situation of sorts. I have tried every avenue to stay in this crazy but enjoyable country still no dice. This whole America being in a recession really sucks bricks for talented internationals to obtain a job. So I'm on my way out unless magical things start happening and I get a job, a new apt (bc I just let my lease go), and a new VISA. Ahhhh..minor details to Jesus if He wants it done...so I hear..or believe?

But I'm SO HAPPY I pushed through every barrier and impossibility till now. I have no regrets except some credit card purchases I could've done without (lol- I was SUCH a shopaholic). Those attractive sales are the devil to me. However, after going through all the tumultuous times of being unemployed for four months- I am so grateful for all the lessons I learned. For all the trials I went through, the humility I gained, the priceless wisdom received- I walk away so satisfied and happy. America- you have given me the precious gift of a more seasoned maturity. Í'm grateful for life. Maturity you can't buy that, can't just build that- it takes some straining and testing life experiences to transform you. My soul is happy- completely at peace with the course of events.

I'm happy to walk away a more stable, sincere, and seasoned adult. Who can ask for more? Out of such sour lemons came the sweetest lemonade :-)

Peace & Love

Christie

Rivers, Eden, & Battlefields

Some love like a flowing river, some like the private sanctuary of Eden, others like a broken battlefield. Discover the form of your loving. Tis the beauty of life to appreciate the intricate beauty of the heart of loving someone. We all love so differently.


Dedicated to Rome that fell


My lovely new friend showed me through her stream of loving that I am a barriered sanctuary. My arms outstretched to help yet when it comes to a man- he will have a time where he will need to persevere to get within my Eden. Eden is my deep emotional ground. The place where nobody but God and I dwell. So many try to get in yet this city still stands. It's not that I'm hard, siddity, or maybe I held unto the hurt of broken trust too long. I refuse to afford another round of broken heart, broken expectation, brokenness of my will, brokenness of mind. A broken spirit who has to gather the last girth and mirth she has within her to survive. I love hard, and I love unconditionally- so for you to break me like that and walk away- I don't have time for trifles. If you come with honesty and seriousness- I will answer to it and gradually open passage. Key word is gradual, I've jumped before and busted my face too many times. The little naive girl grew up, she learned to guard, she learned to be wise about her fragile heart. I already give a lot of myself to those around me- honesty is not a problem, care is not a problem, yet you cannot expect to walk in and rearrange my inner-sanctum to your liking. It took years to put all things proper in their place, to heal, to remove incorrect blockages, to drain the pipes of pain, to paint my mind the colors of hope, to expect greatness instead of shadiness. The peace which permeates my whole being is unexplainable so I can't just hand you the key. You've got to earn your trust. #thatsall


My friend confidence in reciprocated love flows like a river. She flows on and on-  it keeps moving undeterred of obstacles, the hard rocks of desolation, the cesspools of bitter pain, the caves of obscurity. Her faith in love confidently flows forth like the Nile birthing new unions upon arrival of a fertilized field. I admire her courage. It strengthens me to vulnerability. To maybe just believe that I'd make it past another destroyed expectation. Yet I'm not in a hurry nor am I in desperation. My spirit sings within me that in due timing my love will come. Until then- enjoy the scenery, observe, and learn the laws that govern this intricate universe. 


However, I never want to end up loving like broken battlefield. It's grounds soaked in the blood of its victims. Their bodies crying out to the living to avert their impending disaster. So many beautiful gardens disguise a massacre so atrocious; the stench alone would suffocate the life of the well-intentioned. Another grenade goes off, and another one bites the dust. Their survivors just shake their head in utter disbelief, words fail them to explain the abominable valley they went through. "Psycho, maniac, needy, dude..I just..vigorous smh" -all they can come up with to explain the fierce deception they endured. A broken battlefield needs to be disarmed, uprooting all the emotional minefields, the ground fertilized with hope to sprout flowers full with the aroma of innocence again. The little girl needing to be raised from the abyss of torture to see skies of possibility again. A task better left for Divine love.


I love. You Love. They Love.


one form my poison, His form my Life-Giving River, our love two steps closer to heaven.

Sassy Facts

I thought it'd be fun to do some facts about me! 

Facts about Christie aka Sassy Island Gal -(there's a reason for that nickname as you'll see)


1. I am a PROUD Dutch-Caribbean Island gal- I don't pretend to be anything else. It's been quite a journey to understand the ethnic groups within this wonderfully complex society called America. I enjoy it even when I criticize it at times. I've got mad appreciation for being here. I have a ball and have met some of the most incredible generous people.
2. I am a NON-BULLCRAP person. Please do not crap on my patience with lies, excuses, or insincere niceties. Give it to me straight. If you don't like me, or you feel I offended you, or whatnot- tell it to me straight (which maybe you can tell from my posts). I respect straight-talkers the most. These type of people are my closest friends. I just feel if you can't tell me something to my face that you're straight up shady bc God knows how you're dogging me behind my back then smiling in my face. So cut the bs and get to the heart- I connect to that so strong. It really touches me deeply that you choose to be vulnerable. I'm not judging so definitely want to hear the uncut version instead of what you gloss over which leads to my next fact.
3. I love people with deep life stories.You could've been a hustler, a former lady of the corner, whatnot but honestly I appreciate people who proudly say- I had my days but I'm restored now or am working on it. They walk with their heads high because they know their worth regardless of what people say to them.
4. If I can help you in anyway- definitely- I will help you even if it is to my detriment at times. I care deeply for people and I just could've met them. God & people have shown me such kindness- I have no reason to be stingy with the love I've been blessed to have in my life.
5. I run with a lot of people. I have different groups of friends and I don't like people who get all possessive making requirements for me to stay within a type of circle. I let go and let flow. I've survived without anyone in my life so as important as people are in my life- I can survive without. The only being I can't survive without is God. #thatsall. Play your position and if you don't like it- keep it moving.
6. I KEEP it moving! I don't stay down long. I PUSH FORWARD. Perseverance is one of the crucial keys of life. Mistakes are only final when you give up. Failures are the mother of reinvention. Reinvention the mother of Success!! 
7. I don't define success & happiness by what I have or someone has. Beautiful moments just tickle my spirit to its deepest core. I thrive off that- touching someone, being touched by someone, or just a serene moment reminding me of something greater. It may be a smile returned by a stranger, a random act of kindness, a ray of sunshine, getting Snickers from a friend, someone remembering me- it all adds to my joy. Money can't buy me nothing of significant worth.
8. LOVE LOVE LOVE Fashion! Harper's and Glamour subscriber! When the designers unleash their collections- you best believe I'll be going through pictures to find the next trends, and how I will apply it to my personal style. I don't believe in following a trend but creating & adding to your style.
9. I love a good *clean* joke, witticisms, and  friendly intense banter with friends!
10. The most attractive attribute I like out of men is a holistic maturity. A man who takes responsibility for his successes and mistakes. If he can hold intelligent & honest conversation - that's major for me. Throw in a beautiful blazer, well-fitting slacks, beautiful tie, and a sensuous after-shave/cologne- I'm out lol.
11. I LOVE to GO out and BE out! I'm not a clubber but I love to go to events with fun friends. Exploring the city and what's going on. Gala's, party's, plays, outdoor concerts, kayaking trips, nature walks, bbq's, beach trips etc. Staying home on the weekends for me is cruel and unusual punishment!! Really, I drive myself nuts staying home during that time.
12. Which goes hand in hand with this fact. I was made for CITY LIFE. I know crazy right?? I'm from a teeny weeny island but I love the city. I'm pushing to move inside the city aka DC downtown this August. Love the buzz.
13. I have no desire to be married right now. I wonder sometimes if there's something maybe off with me since I see a lot of people I went to college with getting married but that just makes me more apprehensive (hope they have good prenups). However, I do want to be married in a couple of years but I'm not pressed (yet). Guess when you have a fabulous single life, I really don't see why I NEED to FEEN to be married. I'm not scared to be alone.
14. Even when I get married- I don't really see me doing the housewife thing. I'll be dedicated to my children but it will be in a modern way. I'm a non-traditionalist (if you can't tell!) so yeah- I want to take em all over the world so they know that they are HIGHLY blessed & FAVORED to be borne in the society that they are. I actually might do a type of half in school, half some type of satellite homeschool thing so that they can experience their textbooks. I just really want them to gain LIFE EXPERIENCE and hopefully that will help to mature well.
15. I love to be creative! I love to dance- my room is my favorite dance floor! I love my curly fro- SO HAPPY I went natural!


I love to step to my own beat but I love company on my way Heavenbound.


KEEP MOVING FORWARD!


P.S to my friends: feel free to add in ;-)

Hurr...

What is it about cliches about what women are supposed to be or do that bothers me so much though rings so true? It is a true fact that if a woman doesn't "girly" herself up, that she probably won't get as much male attention. What is it that instantly magnetizes a man when a woman lets down her hair and long? Throw a ribbon on it and they're practically "cooing" at you, emulating their best primal prince charming behavior.I've seen this happen so many times. I go to the establishment that hands out the dollas in exchange for my "slave" labor and am in "career woman" mode. Men acknowledge you, they may be nice, or courteous but chivalry gasps for its last breaths in the background, lol. Now, if I come in with my tresses luxurious and silky--ooo..the chivalrous attitudes, the shy smiles, winks and so forth. The ole men will dust off their old lines as rickety as their walking canes, the young will try to spit game in the fail leagues of Soulja boy, and the dapper- well the dapper bring the compliments like sensuous chocolate fondue immersing you in their yummy goodness. MMmm...licking fingers..*looks around & pulls back into composure* LOL.

Well, I saw this post that I never finished from months ago. Funny, I've learned that some attributes are just plain irresistible to men among them like nice hair. It's so true, it your flipping crown, be it you bought it from that crummy Asian store next to that shady 7/11 or you be swishing Pantene style in your own natural crown. It's just how the male-female dynamic goes. We can try to dissect it, theorize it, intellectualize it but it just works that way. Hilarity is you'll see some man popping a vein about some theory yet some woman walk past him, and his eyes near fall out of its socket. HHahhahah...just my observation. I don't knock it anymore- just learned to harness the power of the knowledge of what is attractive to the other sex. It varies with each person but confidence is key. You as a woman are a beautiful queen even if there isn't a king or prince to appreciate it yet that doesn't detract from your royalty. Revel in your own beauty- and admirers will come! :-)


Toodles!

Mentally Honest

Fellow Tweeters have been spreading awareness that May is Mental Health month. Within me stirred yet I remained quiet.. It's humbling to admit in front of everyone that I have battled with mental issues in my family and with myself. My grandmother had Schizophrenia and lapsed every three to six months. My mom battled cyclical depression. My other grandmother battled Alzheimer's. My aunts have had serious bouts with mental disease landing one in the hospital getting her stomach pumped. I grew up visiting my grandmother in the Hospital or forcing my mom to eat or drink something while she shut herself in the dark. She'd weep with such fervor and blame everything on everyone and everything. You know how hard it is to have  the one who birthed you crying so hard that she's clutching her heart (suffering from heart palpitations) blaming you for her current state.

Now, many of you might think it would have driven me crazy and into rebellion. It didn't. My sympathies and love for her is deep. She had gone through so much as a child- she was the Mother when my grandmother lapsed. As she did, I'd take care of the family when she would lapse for weeks on end shutting herself in the room. I'd make breakfast for my dad, made sandwiches for my little sister and I, and cook lunch/dinner. Having gone through that with close family members made me mature very quickly in mind. I VOWED to never be the victim and to seek to be happy. I knew the triggers. I knew what it took to get you down spiraling out of control. It took one toxic thought coupled with some hard situations to knock the best off their sanity. I thanked God for keeping me sane but unbeknown to me I was having my own issues.

Round my teenage years, my thoughts would turn very dark during certain times. Suicide would be on the forefront of my mind but I never went through with it because so many people "depended" on me. Puberty was rough. Peer pressure and teasing by friends and "well-meaning" family made me pick myself apart. However, I had to remain the "strong" one or else I felt things would cave in. My parents were so proud that out of all their daughters I was a testament of "happiness" through all. My mom always told me how she admired my resilient joy in all things. As much as I appreciated her sentiment, it drove me hard when I did go through depression moments. "Everyone" knew me as "Happy Christie". And my discontent would seriously alienate a lot of people.

Sweet seventeen happened or better said sour. I moved to another island to finish school. I lived in host homes and God knows I went through some terrible things. THIS is when I realized my clear predisposition for deep depression. I starved myself- I shut myself in a room in the dark- developed compulsions- sometimes wouldn't shower for days -my room was a COMPLETE mess- Pesks took residence and I could care less -Thoughts of death were constant & bitterness enveloped my tender heart.

Finally it became apparent that something was wrong with me to the outside world. My parents understood and it pained them a lot. It helped them face their own demons honestly.

Then I moved to the United States. I was SO EXCITED! The transition was so much easier and fun. However, repressed emotions resurfaced at simple thing. One night, something happened, and I tried to explain to my roommate why it bothered me so much. I started sobbing so hard my tongue paralyzed. My mind was numb with pain. My second nervous breakdown happened. My roommate having been diagnosed with mental disorder herself knew what was going on. She gave me one of the BEST advice I've gotten so far regarding mental health. She told me " Christie, release all those people who have hurt you, release them. All it's doing is making you sick and they're probably going along fine." I was instructed to make a list and that FORCED me to reconcile hard things that happened in my past. From abandonment issues, to low self-esteem issues, to rejection from people I treasured the most. I had to acknowledge that I didn't deserve all the pain. I was not the cause. I was not responsible for someone I knew suicide. She decided to end her life, it was her choice.

It's been quite a journey and I've gone from a compartmentalized view of myself to being holistically me. The Christie that you see today is a product of growth, release, and forgiveness. Through all the counsel and support- I've learned to be keenly aware of when I'm going "down". I know now when the elevator of my mind is chiming "going down". I know when I'm in that state that I have to surround myself with certain people, music, thoughts.

I learned to change my perspective on life. There's something innate in us that rejects pain, blames it on people, God, ourselves. We want perfection but this world isn't perfect. My journey has taught me to reconcile my pain with my beliefs. God didn't promise us a perfect life on this earth- that's what the afterlife is for. What He does say is to confess all your anguish, pain, happiness, sadness to Him honestly. God isn't hurt by our questioning and accusations. He understand we're limited creatures-lol. Look, I still have my yelling sessions at God, life, and what not. People know now that I'm 95% happy but that 5% can be intense but it's ok- perspective changes anything.

It says in the Christian Bible " Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven". I take solace in that.

My journey has taught me so much compassion for people. Mental ailing isn't something to make fun of but acknowledge. If you don't understand what someone is going through- then just hug them, let them know you love them- you care. Don't disparage them because they keep relapsing. It's a battle and victory is on the other side. For some- it's a lifelong journey. Some are delivered from it. Deliverance to me is KNOWING when you are going down and doing what you're supposed to do. Seek to be with people, FIGHT against your inwards notions to Isolate. I seek outside perspective. It always comes to me.

This is why I'm so joyful. I HAVE OVERCOME. I overcome constantly by staying hopeful despite life's stresses & triggers! Joy is one thought away and so is victory.

Change your perspective- Change your life.

Much love,
Christie

Highway to a Husband *Dear Jesus help this woman*

Julia Yarbrough, a succesful Miami news anchor, decided to quit her well-paying job along with her BFF (how did she not talk her out of this) to go on a nationwide search for her husband. *Drops plate in ten thousand pieces- crickets stop chirping, even Richard Simmons is confused out of his leotards*


What the mess? How is this a good idea? The authors who first reported the story at www.eurthisnthat.com also sounded confused and highly skeptical.

“I don’t know if anyone told Julia Yarbrough, but today’s men really don’t find unemployed women anymore attractive than women find unemployed men attractive. But, nonetheless, she took off with her BFF, Silva Harapetian, to find a man Another flag! She not only has a girlfriend to bounce all his faults off once she goes to interview said potential mate, but she’s bringing her along for the ride. “

Yes, not only does she quit her job in a RECESSION, you take your friend to confuse you even more on your quest for a man. Look, it's hard for me not to be critical. This reeks of bad idea number 1,004,678,907 right after Chest Hair toupe *shudder*. Last time I checked with guys- they don't think women who subscribe to the“desperado crew” philosophy are cute & sexy. A certain ora surrounds a woman who is trolling for her next target to wrangle into holy connubiality. It's just not attractive. Second of all, the more my guyfriends let me peer in their brains the more I realize I know shiznits about men. So bringing your frenemy best girlfriend as your filter is just a major #FAIL in the leagues of Justin Bieber's awful haircut.I'm sure she will have a hell of time patrolling America. Lots of stories (or not) for the future grambabies if she can find a man first- Lord let me stop.

She gets brownie points for blatantly ignoring Steve Harvey, Jimmi Izrael (the originator of all evil) and Hill Harper. She believes love is out there for her and is passionately pursuing it. Plus she is not limiting herself to the black dating pool. Kudos to her for not staying comfortable. I'm a big proponent of interracial dating because the babies are so daggone cute (shallow- I know). Miss Lady is taking an unusual route to find her piece of happiness. Yes, it's crazy to me but after reading her "passionate" plea - I could maybe see where she's coming from *yea..tried..mind hurts*


Julia's website“Highway to a Husband” offers these nuggets into her crazy brain

"My name is Julia and I'm single. I have had an amazing and exciting career (22 years in the TV news biz), awesome travels, excellent friends and amazing adventures. But even with all that, there’s still something missing: a solid and loving relationship. I've tried everything I can think of - set-ups from friends, blind dates, on-line dating services.... still - NOTHING! (Maybe it's you -Julia)
I’m not quite sure who my husband is, but I know you’re not sitting at home waiting for life to come to you. You’re out following your passions and the only way for me to meet you is if I do the same."

Basically hunting the poor man down and stalking him to the alter. Ok, I'm done!


Good luck to you Julia. I wouldn't do it. I'm more of a traditionalist. The local waters have provided me with much entertainment. But don't let my "hate" knock your "hustle".
You all know what I think about this. What do you think? Would you do it?

Karnaval

After so many attempts at obtaining something and being so close yet so far, I've decided to enjoy life as is. It can be easy to start picking yourself apart, yelling four letter words at God, and depressing your friends with another tale of woe. This time around it made me think of Karnaval.


Karnaval is a time in the Caribbean where people put their problems on the shelf, leave their negativity securely locked at home, and go out and just "DANCE". You enjoy yourself like there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow is thought of only as in "how much fun will I have". Forget worrying, forget your troubles, lets just dance, laugh, drink & eat. Funny how you can be in the midst of the worst situation ever and an invitation arrives to some event, and you're all smiles. 


It works the same way in the valley of Despair. One crack of sunshine lights up the whole darkness. So seek that ray like a long lost precious piece of jewelry. Be it going out dancing with your friends, cracking that book you've been putting off to read, breaking out the blanket & laying in the sun. Do what cultivates happiness in you. A state of Happiness is not given but cultivated. Despite all the curve-balls that life throws at you trying to get you to strike out-you see the Silver Lining. 


Eternally happy people used to make me sick-lol. My comprehension failed to understand the resilience of their joy in spite of opportunities for negative perspective. Having gone through my own Valleys of Insanity- the revelation dawned on me like the titillating morning Sun that I'm only one thought away from hope, happiness, and positivity. Humans naturally don't like hard times but it is an opportunity to grow into a more satisfied view of life. Instead of dread filling up your "space" choose to see the good in whatever you're going through. I know it's tough- heck..I used to be like..yall are straight up crazy trying to tell me to fake it, to make it. I'm not suggesting that. Mourn your disappointment yet choose to see something uplifting in it. This hard exercise will ultimately turn you into one of those "happy people". No you won't be screaming "awesome" and "amazing" the whole time but you'll have a seasoned resilience that attracts many to see the Source of it.


Be a Light. Be a Smile. Carry the Hope.


Island Gal

Single & Prosperous!

I’m cracking up at the Blogosphere as of late. Let me specify, the Black blogosphere. From diatribes on media hype on the single black women pandemonium to some sticking up the proverbial middle finger to the world. The  consensus is media needs to stay out of our love lives and Steve Harvey is of the devil. Hahahhah, to the last one. Look, I’m not going to hammer further on a coffin that’s been pounded to ash twice turned over to look for scraps. No mam, it is what it is but I do want to give a real woman’s experience out there in “single black womanland”.

-Saturday
What an akward yet funny day. It was one my friend’s birthday and we celebrated by hitting up an exotic eatery with seriously bad eighties elevator music. Still puzzled at their music connection to their foreign cuisine *smh* but this is beside the point. What is important is the fact that someone I had gone out with and have been put in connubiality without my knowledge was also there. Mr X.’s face lit up when he saw me and I cringed inside. No worries though, I followed my friend’s advice and made small talk with the group. Unbeknownst to me, conspiracies were being concocted. During the night much “personal space” was given to Mr X and I to commune. 


The only reason I had given him a shot was because his friends nearly begged me to accept his offer of assignation. On paper he was all that I could've asked for. He’s a Harvard-law grad, did his undergrad at VanderBilt, is a prestigious lawyer in my city, and from what I heard—his bank account isn’t too shabby either. But I wasn't really impressed by his social skills. I TOTALLY Agree with the song “Can’t buy me love”. It’s not the content of someone’s achievements but the content of his character that will make you fall in love (Lesson Learned). He was sweet and accommodating however there wasn’t a “connection”. Saturday solidified my assessment even more. It’s just not there. Even after his best friend’s girlfriend EMBARRASINGLY asked at the table how “we” are doing. Missed the memo on our “we-ness” and I retorted smartly that she’d have to ask him that. The topic was dead (to me). 


The end of the night came and he was very intent on letting me know he wanted to keep exploring the possibilities. Politely, I informed him I had already indicated that he was more than welcome to join me on Friday for dinner &jazz. It will be in a group setting but “Oh well”. However, he made sure he wanted to hang out besides that. I feel bad, I don’t like breaking people’s expectations (with people I refer to nice men). But I’ll try to do it as gently as possible.



So all this to say—black women are still dating and have great prospects. Forget all the negative reports. CNN/WashPost/ABC just concocted some women’s conundrum into a national epidemic for the sake of ratings/adspace money/whatever.


Second of all, I need to visit the watering holes again to be in the company of great men. Maybe I’ll meet another cool educated brother w/o an Ivy-League and all the hoopla of zeros in his bank. No need, all I appreciate is a good intelligent brother who pursues a woman and is able to provide in due timing. I’m glad I went through the experience with Mr.X to be woken up out of the silly delusion of “I needs the money, the cars, the social status, and Obama on my speed dial” to have a good man. A good man is just a man who has integrity. He pursues his goals with full passion but also knows how to recognize and treat a good woman.



Signing off,



Ms. Island Gal

Childish Games

I'm too Grown for these Childish Games. Why you wanna, play your games on me?


Red light. Green light. 123...


Consequence's title track honestly made me think. Why do we want to play Childish games when we're on grown level? Why are some people still applying high school mathematics to grad status life? I'm trying to get on Ph.D level yet you insist on imbecilic notions of the young and clueless. Understanding fails me trying to comprehend these simplistic oafs. Do they not see their nincompoopish thinking? Or do they willingly murk in the bacchanal of ignorance?


Lately, childishness in a grown person has been setting me off. I know we all have traveled different paths and have our own pain and vacillations. But you can't keep using your past as an alibi to continue unchanged through the present. There has to be a moment where you decide--this is it, I'm done and I'm going to crawl, be it one inch at a time out of my mess. Growth past tough life experiences is the true emblem of an adult. An adult is not only someone who is older in age but someone who has taken life's blows, lows, and throes turning it into a seasoned view of the world and its operations.


This is what I feel is desperately lacking in the world today. We have gotten comfortable in the psychologies of "kid at heart" and forgotten that at some point "kid" has to grow up. By no means do I perpetuate a sterile exercise of adult attributes. No, keep the essence of kid purity and wonderment at the world. You will need it to keep going in this world. To enjoy the treasures of life that are even wrapped up in pain and suffering. However, translate and grow your attributes to a more complex view of life. There's nothing sadder than watching a 50 year old throw a tantrum like a child asserting that everyone is against them. Trying to punish others which ultimately robs themselves of the beauty of companionship & growth. No matter what the circumstance-- pull back if it gets too much. Reflect, pray, chant, dance, whatever you need to do --but keep it grown.


Leave the hopskotch to the youngins.

Why didn't I Get married?

You may consider him a lout or hail him as the renaissance man but Tyler Perry is one to start much cogitation. His crazy plots with subtle (or not so subtle) messages are usually at the forefront of much agitation. However, I cease and desist from taking shots at his lack of editorial talent and will focus on the semi-intelligent premise he does start his films with. 


Why Did I get Married really got me contemplating the reasons behind my underlying apprehension to enter in such a "permanent" union. I'm by no means a commitment-phobe. Relationships to me are beautiful. People who are doing marriage well hold a special place in my heart. But whenever someone talks marriage especially when I was in college. A sour distaste was left in my mouth when I was asked for the umpteenth time why I was single and not actively pursuing the ideal of marriage. Was it my strong feminist roots? My fear of being trapped? I didn't know but I did some internal digging and came up with some reasons.


Top reasons for not being married


1. I can do whatever I please, whenever I please, with whomever I please. I prize my independence, my ability to maneuver my life wherever I deem fit. If tomorrow I feel like moving to Ecuador and becoming a sheep herder. So, be it. The flip side of this argument is the underlying premise that once married, I will have to forfeit all my plans and independence to my husband. While this does hold some clout in some way, I've come to realize that in a successful relationship you want to do that. Furthermore, not every man ( at least good ones) will want to change your destiny. They liked you because of what you currently are and are striving to be.


2. I have to be a stay-at-home mom
Don't get me wrong. I love kids. I love the idea of nurturing the next generation of great leaders. But the thought of having to stay home all the time frightens me. I love to be out and about but when kids enter the picture it's different. On top of that, having only laundry, house-cleaning, knitting and I don't know what to keep me busy will probably drive me insane. I'm comforted by the fact that more than 60% of the female populations is actively employed (or seeking employment). Nannies, housekeepers and grandparents are an option in alleviating the burden of making "house". When the time comes, I will probably have some different sentiments but right now, I'm considering alternative options to house-making. Sure, not every woman who bears children becomes a homemaker however the tendency seems to be that the husband will want the woman to stay home with the kids. But I have to keep the belief that there are men out there who will support a woman's career instead of dousing it out.


3. Honestly, my trepidations about connubiality all boil down to the fact that I don't want to lose myself. Compromise and selflessness are cornerstones of marriage. Am I ready to forfeit myself for a lifetime for another person? I don't know, and that keeps me for now. The fact of  not knowing. My dreams are actualizing and my life is on the path that I've been envisioning. Life is great. And I don't want to mess that up. I steadfastly hold unto the hope that someday soon I will meet a man whose agenda isn't to change me but to appreciate me for who I am.


I think that most of us who are single (except the desperado crew) are holding out because we want that unconditional love. The love that appreciates us for who we are. And is in content in being that.


My parents have been married for over twenty-five years. I've seen the delights of marriage and the valleys of abysmal misery it can cause. Their long-standing commitment has imparted such respect in me for the institution of marriage that I don't want to enter it lightly.


My question to you is ..Why aren't you married?