Hurr...

What is it about cliches about what women are supposed to be or do that bothers me so much though rings so true? It is a true fact that if a woman doesn't "girly" herself up, that she probably won't get as much male attention. What is it that instantly magnetizes a man when a woman lets down her hair and long? Throw a ribbon on it and they're practically "cooing" at you, emulating their best primal prince charming behavior.I've seen this happen so many times. I go to the establishment that hands out the dollas in exchange for my "slave" labor and am in "career woman" mode. Men acknowledge you, they may be nice, or courteous but chivalry gasps for its last breaths in the background, lol. Now, if I come in with my tresses luxurious and silky--ooo..the chivalrous attitudes, the shy smiles, winks and so forth. The ole men will dust off their old lines as rickety as their walking canes, the young will try to spit game in the fail leagues of Soulja boy, and the dapper- well the dapper bring the compliments like sensuous chocolate fondue immersing you in their yummy goodness. MMmm...licking fingers..*looks around & pulls back into composure* LOL.

Well, I saw this post that I never finished from months ago. Funny, I've learned that some attributes are just plain irresistible to men among them like nice hair. It's so true, it your flipping crown, be it you bought it from that crummy Asian store next to that shady 7/11 or you be swishing Pantene style in your own natural crown. It's just how the male-female dynamic goes. We can try to dissect it, theorize it, intellectualize it but it just works that way. Hilarity is you'll see some man popping a vein about some theory yet some woman walk past him, and his eyes near fall out of its socket. HHahhahah...just my observation. I don't knock it anymore- just learned to harness the power of the knowledge of what is attractive to the other sex. It varies with each person but confidence is key. You as a woman are a beautiful queen even if there isn't a king or prince to appreciate it yet that doesn't detract from your royalty. Revel in your own beauty- and admirers will come! :-)


Toodles!

Mentally Honest

Fellow Tweeters have been spreading awareness that May is Mental Health month. Within me stirred yet I remained quiet.. It's humbling to admit in front of everyone that I have battled with mental issues in my family and with myself. My grandmother had Schizophrenia and lapsed every three to six months. My mom battled cyclical depression. My other grandmother battled Alzheimer's. My aunts have had serious bouts with mental disease landing one in the hospital getting her stomach pumped. I grew up visiting my grandmother in the Hospital or forcing my mom to eat or drink something while she shut herself in the dark. She'd weep with such fervor and blame everything on everyone and everything. You know how hard it is to have  the one who birthed you crying so hard that she's clutching her heart (suffering from heart palpitations) blaming you for her current state.

Now, many of you might think it would have driven me crazy and into rebellion. It didn't. My sympathies and love for her is deep. She had gone through so much as a child- she was the Mother when my grandmother lapsed. As she did, I'd take care of the family when she would lapse for weeks on end shutting herself in the room. I'd make breakfast for my dad, made sandwiches for my little sister and I, and cook lunch/dinner. Having gone through that with close family members made me mature very quickly in mind. I VOWED to never be the victim and to seek to be happy. I knew the triggers. I knew what it took to get you down spiraling out of control. It took one toxic thought coupled with some hard situations to knock the best off their sanity. I thanked God for keeping me sane but unbeknown to me I was having my own issues.

Round my teenage years, my thoughts would turn very dark during certain times. Suicide would be on the forefront of my mind but I never went through with it because so many people "depended" on me. Puberty was rough. Peer pressure and teasing by friends and "well-meaning" family made me pick myself apart. However, I had to remain the "strong" one or else I felt things would cave in. My parents were so proud that out of all their daughters I was a testament of "happiness" through all. My mom always told me how she admired my resilient joy in all things. As much as I appreciated her sentiment, it drove me hard when I did go through depression moments. "Everyone" knew me as "Happy Christie". And my discontent would seriously alienate a lot of people.

Sweet seventeen happened or better said sour. I moved to another island to finish school. I lived in host homes and God knows I went through some terrible things. THIS is when I realized my clear predisposition for deep depression. I starved myself- I shut myself in a room in the dark- developed compulsions- sometimes wouldn't shower for days -my room was a COMPLETE mess- Pesks took residence and I could care less -Thoughts of death were constant & bitterness enveloped my tender heart.

Finally it became apparent that something was wrong with me to the outside world. My parents understood and it pained them a lot. It helped them face their own demons honestly.

Then I moved to the United States. I was SO EXCITED! The transition was so much easier and fun. However, repressed emotions resurfaced at simple thing. One night, something happened, and I tried to explain to my roommate why it bothered me so much. I started sobbing so hard my tongue paralyzed. My mind was numb with pain. My second nervous breakdown happened. My roommate having been diagnosed with mental disorder herself knew what was going on. She gave me one of the BEST advice I've gotten so far regarding mental health. She told me " Christie, release all those people who have hurt you, release them. All it's doing is making you sick and they're probably going along fine." I was instructed to make a list and that FORCED me to reconcile hard things that happened in my past. From abandonment issues, to low self-esteem issues, to rejection from people I treasured the most. I had to acknowledge that I didn't deserve all the pain. I was not the cause. I was not responsible for someone I knew suicide. She decided to end her life, it was her choice.

It's been quite a journey and I've gone from a compartmentalized view of myself to being holistically me. The Christie that you see today is a product of growth, release, and forgiveness. Through all the counsel and support- I've learned to be keenly aware of when I'm going "down". I know now when the elevator of my mind is chiming "going down". I know when I'm in that state that I have to surround myself with certain people, music, thoughts.

I learned to change my perspective on life. There's something innate in us that rejects pain, blames it on people, God, ourselves. We want perfection but this world isn't perfect. My journey has taught me to reconcile my pain with my beliefs. God didn't promise us a perfect life on this earth- that's what the afterlife is for. What He does say is to confess all your anguish, pain, happiness, sadness to Him honestly. God isn't hurt by our questioning and accusations. He understand we're limited creatures-lol. Look, I still have my yelling sessions at God, life, and what not. People know now that I'm 95% happy but that 5% can be intense but it's ok- perspective changes anything.

It says in the Christian Bible " Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven". I take solace in that.

My journey has taught me so much compassion for people. Mental ailing isn't something to make fun of but acknowledge. If you don't understand what someone is going through- then just hug them, let them know you love them- you care. Don't disparage them because they keep relapsing. It's a battle and victory is on the other side. For some- it's a lifelong journey. Some are delivered from it. Deliverance to me is KNOWING when you are going down and doing what you're supposed to do. Seek to be with people, FIGHT against your inwards notions to Isolate. I seek outside perspective. It always comes to me.

This is why I'm so joyful. I HAVE OVERCOME. I overcome constantly by staying hopeful despite life's stresses & triggers! Joy is one thought away and so is victory.

Change your perspective- Change your life.

Much love,
Christie

Highway to a Husband *Dear Jesus help this woman*

Julia Yarbrough, a succesful Miami news anchor, decided to quit her well-paying job along with her BFF (how did she not talk her out of this) to go on a nationwide search for her husband. *Drops plate in ten thousand pieces- crickets stop chirping, even Richard Simmons is confused out of his leotards*


What the mess? How is this a good idea? The authors who first reported the story at www.eurthisnthat.com also sounded confused and highly skeptical.

“I don’t know if anyone told Julia Yarbrough, but today’s men really don’t find unemployed women anymore attractive than women find unemployed men attractive. But, nonetheless, she took off with her BFF, Silva Harapetian, to find a man Another flag! She not only has a girlfriend to bounce all his faults off once she goes to interview said potential mate, but she’s bringing her along for the ride. “

Yes, not only does she quit her job in a RECESSION, you take your friend to confuse you even more on your quest for a man. Look, it's hard for me not to be critical. This reeks of bad idea number 1,004,678,907 right after Chest Hair toupe *shudder*. Last time I checked with guys- they don't think women who subscribe to the“desperado crew” philosophy are cute & sexy. A certain ora surrounds a woman who is trolling for her next target to wrangle into holy connubiality. It's just not attractive. Second of all, the more my guyfriends let me peer in their brains the more I realize I know shiznits about men. So bringing your frenemy best girlfriend as your filter is just a major #FAIL in the leagues of Justin Bieber's awful haircut.I'm sure she will have a hell of time patrolling America. Lots of stories (or not) for the future grambabies if she can find a man first- Lord let me stop.

She gets brownie points for blatantly ignoring Steve Harvey, Jimmi Izrael (the originator of all evil) and Hill Harper. She believes love is out there for her and is passionately pursuing it. Plus she is not limiting herself to the black dating pool. Kudos to her for not staying comfortable. I'm a big proponent of interracial dating because the babies are so daggone cute (shallow- I know). Miss Lady is taking an unusual route to find her piece of happiness. Yes, it's crazy to me but after reading her "passionate" plea - I could maybe see where she's coming from *yea..tried..mind hurts*


Julia's website“Highway to a Husband” offers these nuggets into her crazy brain

"My name is Julia and I'm single. I have had an amazing and exciting career (22 years in the TV news biz), awesome travels, excellent friends and amazing adventures. But even with all that, there’s still something missing: a solid and loving relationship. I've tried everything I can think of - set-ups from friends, blind dates, on-line dating services.... still - NOTHING! (Maybe it's you -Julia)
I’m not quite sure who my husband is, but I know you’re not sitting at home waiting for life to come to you. You’re out following your passions and the only way for me to meet you is if I do the same."

Basically hunting the poor man down and stalking him to the alter. Ok, I'm done!


Good luck to you Julia. I wouldn't do it. I'm more of a traditionalist. The local waters have provided me with much entertainment. But don't let my "hate" knock your "hustle".
You all know what I think about this. What do you think? Would you do it?

Karnaval

After so many attempts at obtaining something and being so close yet so far, I've decided to enjoy life as is. It can be easy to start picking yourself apart, yelling four letter words at God, and depressing your friends with another tale of woe. This time around it made me think of Karnaval.


Karnaval is a time in the Caribbean where people put their problems on the shelf, leave their negativity securely locked at home, and go out and just "DANCE". You enjoy yourself like there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow is thought of only as in "how much fun will I have". Forget worrying, forget your troubles, lets just dance, laugh, drink & eat. Funny how you can be in the midst of the worst situation ever and an invitation arrives to some event, and you're all smiles. 


It works the same way in the valley of Despair. One crack of sunshine lights up the whole darkness. So seek that ray like a long lost precious piece of jewelry. Be it going out dancing with your friends, cracking that book you've been putting off to read, breaking out the blanket & laying in the sun. Do what cultivates happiness in you. A state of Happiness is not given but cultivated. Despite all the curve-balls that life throws at you trying to get you to strike out-you see the Silver Lining. 


Eternally happy people used to make me sick-lol. My comprehension failed to understand the resilience of their joy in spite of opportunities for negative perspective. Having gone through my own Valleys of Insanity- the revelation dawned on me like the titillating morning Sun that I'm only one thought away from hope, happiness, and positivity. Humans naturally don't like hard times but it is an opportunity to grow into a more satisfied view of life. Instead of dread filling up your "space" choose to see the good in whatever you're going through. I know it's tough- heck..I used to be like..yall are straight up crazy trying to tell me to fake it, to make it. I'm not suggesting that. Mourn your disappointment yet choose to see something uplifting in it. This hard exercise will ultimately turn you into one of those "happy people". No you won't be screaming "awesome" and "amazing" the whole time but you'll have a seasoned resilience that attracts many to see the Source of it.


Be a Light. Be a Smile. Carry the Hope.


Island Gal

Single & Prosperous!

I’m cracking up at the Blogosphere as of late. Let me specify, the Black blogosphere. From diatribes on media hype on the single black women pandemonium to some sticking up the proverbial middle finger to the world. The  consensus is media needs to stay out of our love lives and Steve Harvey is of the devil. Hahahhah, to the last one. Look, I’m not going to hammer further on a coffin that’s been pounded to ash twice turned over to look for scraps. No mam, it is what it is but I do want to give a real woman’s experience out there in “single black womanland”.

-Saturday
What an akward yet funny day. It was one my friend’s birthday and we celebrated by hitting up an exotic eatery with seriously bad eighties elevator music. Still puzzled at their music connection to their foreign cuisine *smh* but this is beside the point. What is important is the fact that someone I had gone out with and have been put in connubiality without my knowledge was also there. Mr X.’s face lit up when he saw me and I cringed inside. No worries though, I followed my friend’s advice and made small talk with the group. Unbeknownst to me, conspiracies were being concocted. During the night much “personal space” was given to Mr X and I to commune. 


The only reason I had given him a shot was because his friends nearly begged me to accept his offer of assignation. On paper he was all that I could've asked for. He’s a Harvard-law grad, did his undergrad at VanderBilt, is a prestigious lawyer in my city, and from what I heard—his bank account isn’t too shabby either. But I wasn't really impressed by his social skills. I TOTALLY Agree with the song “Can’t buy me love”. It’s not the content of someone’s achievements but the content of his character that will make you fall in love (Lesson Learned). He was sweet and accommodating however there wasn’t a “connection”. Saturday solidified my assessment even more. It’s just not there. Even after his best friend’s girlfriend EMBARRASINGLY asked at the table how “we” are doing. Missed the memo on our “we-ness” and I retorted smartly that she’d have to ask him that. The topic was dead (to me). 


The end of the night came and he was very intent on letting me know he wanted to keep exploring the possibilities. Politely, I informed him I had already indicated that he was more than welcome to join me on Friday for dinner &jazz. It will be in a group setting but “Oh well”. However, he made sure he wanted to hang out besides that. I feel bad, I don’t like breaking people’s expectations (with people I refer to nice men). But I’ll try to do it as gently as possible.



So all this to say—black women are still dating and have great prospects. Forget all the negative reports. CNN/WashPost/ABC just concocted some women’s conundrum into a national epidemic for the sake of ratings/adspace money/whatever.


Second of all, I need to visit the watering holes again to be in the company of great men. Maybe I’ll meet another cool educated brother w/o an Ivy-League and all the hoopla of zeros in his bank. No need, all I appreciate is a good intelligent brother who pursues a woman and is able to provide in due timing. I’m glad I went through the experience with Mr.X to be woken up out of the silly delusion of “I needs the money, the cars, the social status, and Obama on my speed dial” to have a good man. A good man is just a man who has integrity. He pursues his goals with full passion but also knows how to recognize and treat a good woman.



Signing off,



Ms. Island Gal

Childish Games

I'm too Grown for these Childish Games. Why you wanna, play your games on me?


Red light. Green light. 123...


Consequence's title track honestly made me think. Why do we want to play Childish games when we're on grown level? Why are some people still applying high school mathematics to grad status life? I'm trying to get on Ph.D level yet you insist on imbecilic notions of the young and clueless. Understanding fails me trying to comprehend these simplistic oafs. Do they not see their nincompoopish thinking? Or do they willingly murk in the bacchanal of ignorance?


Lately, childishness in a grown person has been setting me off. I know we all have traveled different paths and have our own pain and vacillations. But you can't keep using your past as an alibi to continue unchanged through the present. There has to be a moment where you decide--this is it, I'm done and I'm going to crawl, be it one inch at a time out of my mess. Growth past tough life experiences is the true emblem of an adult. An adult is not only someone who is older in age but someone who has taken life's blows, lows, and throes turning it into a seasoned view of the world and its operations.


This is what I feel is desperately lacking in the world today. We have gotten comfortable in the psychologies of "kid at heart" and forgotten that at some point "kid" has to grow up. By no means do I perpetuate a sterile exercise of adult attributes. No, keep the essence of kid purity and wonderment at the world. You will need it to keep going in this world. To enjoy the treasures of life that are even wrapped up in pain and suffering. However, translate and grow your attributes to a more complex view of life. There's nothing sadder than watching a 50 year old throw a tantrum like a child asserting that everyone is against them. Trying to punish others which ultimately robs themselves of the beauty of companionship & growth. No matter what the circumstance-- pull back if it gets too much. Reflect, pray, chant, dance, whatever you need to do --but keep it grown.


Leave the hopskotch to the youngins.

Why didn't I Get married?

You may consider him a lout or hail him as the renaissance man but Tyler Perry is one to start much cogitation. His crazy plots with subtle (or not so subtle) messages are usually at the forefront of much agitation. However, I cease and desist from taking shots at his lack of editorial talent and will focus on the semi-intelligent premise he does start his films with. 


Why Did I get Married really got me contemplating the reasons behind my underlying apprehension to enter in such a "permanent" union. I'm by no means a commitment-phobe. Relationships to me are beautiful. People who are doing marriage well hold a special place in my heart. But whenever someone talks marriage especially when I was in college. A sour distaste was left in my mouth when I was asked for the umpteenth time why I was single and not actively pursuing the ideal of marriage. Was it my strong feminist roots? My fear of being trapped? I didn't know but I did some internal digging and came up with some reasons.


Top reasons for not being married


1. I can do whatever I please, whenever I please, with whomever I please. I prize my independence, my ability to maneuver my life wherever I deem fit. If tomorrow I feel like moving to Ecuador and becoming a sheep herder. So, be it. The flip side of this argument is the underlying premise that once married, I will have to forfeit all my plans and independence to my husband. While this does hold some clout in some way, I've come to realize that in a successful relationship you want to do that. Furthermore, not every man ( at least good ones) will want to change your destiny. They liked you because of what you currently are and are striving to be.


2. I have to be a stay-at-home mom
Don't get me wrong. I love kids. I love the idea of nurturing the next generation of great leaders. But the thought of having to stay home all the time frightens me. I love to be out and about but when kids enter the picture it's different. On top of that, having only laundry, house-cleaning, knitting and I don't know what to keep me busy will probably drive me insane. I'm comforted by the fact that more than 60% of the female populations is actively employed (or seeking employment). Nannies, housekeepers and grandparents are an option in alleviating the burden of making "house". When the time comes, I will probably have some different sentiments but right now, I'm considering alternative options to house-making. Sure, not every woman who bears children becomes a homemaker however the tendency seems to be that the husband will want the woman to stay home with the kids. But I have to keep the belief that there are men out there who will support a woman's career instead of dousing it out.


3. Honestly, my trepidations about connubiality all boil down to the fact that I don't want to lose myself. Compromise and selflessness are cornerstones of marriage. Am I ready to forfeit myself for a lifetime for another person? I don't know, and that keeps me for now. The fact of  not knowing. My dreams are actualizing and my life is on the path that I've been envisioning. Life is great. And I don't want to mess that up. I steadfastly hold unto the hope that someday soon I will meet a man whose agenda isn't to change me but to appreciate me for who I am.


I think that most of us who are single (except the desperado crew) are holding out because we want that unconditional love. The love that appreciates us for who we are. And is in content in being that.


My parents have been married for over twenty-five years. I've seen the delights of marriage and the valleys of abysmal misery it can cause. Their long-standing commitment has imparted such respect in me for the institution of marriage that I don't want to enter it lightly.


My question to you is ..Why aren't you married?