Lightbulb moments have been hitting me like mosquitoes feasting on a bloody fiesta. And I'm loving it! The central point of my revelations is "I am, who I am, so sue me". For years, though I might come over as a tough determined (yet sweet :-) cookie, I tried to appease people in some ways so that they wouldn't feel akward or wouldn't see me as that. Now, I'm like screw that! It is what it is, and if it isn't for you--move on! NO MORE, people pleasing, I don't NEED to be the center of attention, I don't need to be the focus of a new group, racking up friends like shot glasses at a frat party, having "bff" talks and revealing my soul to a bunch of strangers in an attempt to make them realize "I'm on of them". That crap tends to hit the ceiling and then when it's used against you, you'll be crying "I thought we were friends". I don't deny that true friendships can be formed in such situations but rather emphasize the point of embracing the moment and richly enjoying it for what it is. Not overcomplicating it but relishing sharing a common human experience. If you are so blessed to forge a seasonal or lifetime bond out of it, great stuff! That's the second big lightbulb moment I had: Live truely in the moment and don't sweat the details constantly. The Man upstairs is taking care of all that. Do what's in YOUR power and leave the rest up to Him. Whatever happens works out for your good somehow. Believe it and you'll start treasuring the hard experiences in your life even.
anyway..let me know your thoughts...signing offChristie
So, yeah I wrote about Ugly Joe and one of the guys who this archetype was based on confronted me about it. He called and did the "we need to talk" voice and I was like SATSUMI Roll! I was like..hmm...I think he got to the post. Karma is a beast! Anyway, after an interesting car conversation the air was cleared and the dust settled...He's actually a nice dude and had no ulterior motives. It's interesting what not following your gut instincts, listening to girlfriends, and endless teasing will do to your perception. I knew not to read into it but somehow took the road well-traveled by us women to the land of "concocting something that isn't there". Thank God, he was very nice and humble about it and after apologizing profusely over and over explained that because I thought he WAS this archetype I had a strong knee-jerk reaction but now that we are both in the clear of friends land, I'm good. I'll try to focus on the positive experiences I've had with men but in general though there are a number of jerks walking around. DC has served many a surprise, bc there are some nice men but honestly after my last idiotic bum-rider Sam encounter (I'll elaborate later) I became somewhat embittered against "menkind". Sorry boys! Thanks to my friend for not making the conversation about my blogposts akward. Still have a slight sink in the ground moment feeling but this Too shall pass. Another story for the kids and an interesting growing point.
till next time folks--just to recap--> nice guys who are purely friends still do exist. Contrary to popular belief.
After doing some cathartic soul searching and reading, a eureka emotional moment dawned on my spirit. I was always intrigued why UJ annoyed me so much. Trust, there are many things I dislike about him but may be able to overlook wasn't it for the fact that I realized that he's trying to change me into the package he perceived I was or wants me to be. I know he's physically attracted to me but in many of our interactions he brings up that I need to calm down or do this or that. He wants me to fit this picture HE has of the "perfect girl" he wants. So, all this nonsense doesn't concern me as much as it concerns his emotional needs and disconnect from reality. As I've said before, you CANNOT change a person. This is a task best left for the Divine and maybe the people who bore/took care of this person. Cause Lord knows, I ain't got time for that anymore. Thanks Daddy! (read Dating 301 post). This realization about UJ's emotional disconnect brought much peace to my soul because he just bothered me and I didn't know why. It irked me so much to the point of just wanting to squash him emotionally. I guess it's ingrained in the human spirit that we do not want to changed but accepted moreso lovingly understood and appreciated for the quirks that makes us..us and not someone else.
So UJ, I have a message for you. You like an illusion of me, a figment you've created but not what I am.You need to take some time and realize that this person doesn't exist and abandon ship on whatever type of lame "strategy" you were trying to concoct. Leave it alone...let it die..PLEASE, I BEG OF YOU! Because it irks this girl you're trying to "go after" and causes you much more discouragement than if you took the time to see that the one for you is not me.
It's ok, I've been there but I'm learning to let go and let God bring into my life the man who is what my spirit has been desiring. Because we (that man and I) are cut of the same cloth but YOU happen to be of a different textile.
As I was contemplating what to write about ending my bloggeriatus, I remembered one of my last text convo's with a "guyfriend" and I was more than inspired to go off on no-good idiots that call themselves men. No, I'm not bitter woman walking around wanting to chop off men's numchucks or suddenly want to start shopping in my "department" bashing the other department for their lack of "insert reason for turning lesbian because of a man here". No..no...no...I'm just sick and tired of dealing with men who haven't left their boy tendencies in kindergarten with their powerranger sheets.
Exhibit A: Lets call him Ugly JoeArchetype He's a nice guy, he's helped me while I was in some difficult situations, seems to treat women with reasonable amount of respect. DEFINITELY not a looker, style needs some upgrading (jeans from '98 and an free promo t-shirt does NOT constitute evening wear!) but has manners. So what irks the ISH out of me with him? He asks me on an evening "out" a date w/o calling it bc he had to BS his way through giving me reasons why I should go. Then during the whole time he's like "Oh, I'd be a good influence on you, I can tell your friends this, or yeah I can balance you out". I'm like who ARE YOU to infer that I want my ways changed or need your help to explain my friends who've been my "roaddogs" (as I call them) my ways? (Can you tell I'm Super Independent?) The reason they ARE my friends are because they like what I am! He kept "saying things" without actually "saying it" that after awhile I said "You know what I HATE in men? That they can't be upfront of what they want! If you like a girl tell her and either you'll get reciprocated or get SHOT DOWN LIKE A MAN!". Well, I thought that was the end of that, but oh no my friends. Even, after I gave him the "Friends" line, he persisted. Some of my best friends noticed it and one of them remarked "girl, I think he's trying to wear you out until you give in". HECK NAW, because after last night's text convo I'm DONE! I injured my back badly yesterday and he sent me a text saying "hey, did you go bullriding w/o inviting me..wink wink?" and then proceeding to come up with "funny" ways that I pulled my back. FUNNY WAYS??!! HOW IS PULLING YOUR BACK FUNNY?!! Then being like..don't be so uptight..you'll be fine as I spent my morning BAWLING my eyes out and INCAPACITATED by EXCRUCIATING PAIN! Everything was out of whack; I was dizzy, nauseous, and unable to walk or sit much. I just had to sleep it off and pop pills like it was going out of style. If I didn't wake up a bit better today, my next trip would've been the hospital and I'm still considering going to the chiropractor. His insensitivity and constant sly "come-ons" are irritating the MESS out of me! I let him know that his comments were offensive to me and he apologized but I'm just tired of him right now. Exhibit A showed me that I really have little patience for men who haven't upgraded their game past throwing rocks at girls they like. Sorry boys, girls grow up into WOMEN-- ACT ACCORDINGLY!
NEXT WEEK: Bum-rider Sam
Friendly Disclaimer: UJ if you read this-Sorry, I like you as a person it's your "game" I can't stand.
Lightbulb moments have been hitting me like mosquitoes feasting on a bloody fiesta. And I'm loving it! The central point of my revelations is "I am, who I am, so sue me". For years, though I might come over as a tough determined (yet sweet :-) cookie, I tried to appease people in some ways so that they wouldn't feel akward or wouldn't see me as that. Now, I'm like screw that! It is what it is, and if it isn't for you--move on! NO MORE, people pleasing, I don't NEED to be the center of attention, I don't need to be the focus of a new group, racking up friends like shot glasses at a frat party, having "bff" talks and revealing my soul to a bunch of strangers in an attempt to make them realize "I'm on of them". That crap tends to hit the ceiling and then when it's used against you, you'll be crying "I thought we were friends". I don't deny that true friendships can be formed in such situations but rather emphasize the point of embracing the moment and richly enjoying it for what it is. Not overcomplicating it but relishing sharing a common human experience. If you are so blessed to forge a seasonal or lifetime bond out of it, great stuff! That's the second big lightbulb moment I had: Live truely in the moment and don't sweat the details constantly. The Man upstairs is taking care of all that. Do what's in YOUR power and leave the rest up to Him. Whatever happens works out for your good somehow. Believe it and you'll start treasuring the hard experiences in your life even.
