My own Encourager

(one out of the archives- but a good one)

I got my own pint-sized encourager in the form of a little Ethiopean man who can barely speak much English but is a happy little soul.He came with the new studio I'm living in as he's the ground manager for the little complex I live in. He loves to chat whenever he gets the chance. It's just so funny to see what I been running away from is what I get. What I mean is- this man is a superencourager. He keeps telling me in the little bits of broken English he does know to be happy regardless of circumstance. If this isn't funny..I don't know what is. So many places I've gone, so many words, so many books, it keeps flowing forth. Be happy regardless of circumstance. He kept saying "Be happy- God happy, morning happy, night happy, you go back your country-happy, you stay here be God happy." His point was to be happy and give thanks to God regardless of what happens.

Short code

It's been a minute...but my mating adventures continue :-)

Chapitre A.D. 25 "the Satellite colleague"

writing soundtrack: "Motivation" by Kelly Row., "6 ft, 7ft" instrumental, and "Till the world ends" by Britney


Being back home has been a blessing and crazy journey. Happy God brought me here though it's been challenging but He's using it to grow me so much. Anyway..let me get to the juicy shhh.

The set-up
Just another Monday walking into the workplace and I see three men from another island walking in and hugging all the girls. The girls are being all flirtatious and just frisky as they are used to. I roll my eyes again..bc I'm like where does work appropriateness start? These guys come from these locations and they straight macking on the girls like it's their right. I "shop" through them and I'm like mmm too short, too dreadlocky, too overweight. But then I see this guy who I shall refer to M come in and even the "evil" team leader turns like a little girl and gets a big bear hug from him. He's nice, comes over genuine, and has a boyish thing to him. He's tall which I LOVE...has a cool style, and an alluring bravado. My body was like..*DING* hahahhahahahahah

Meet-Cute
So I come into the office and starts unpacking my things to start my day. He is walking around and talking to our tech guy etc. At some point, the team leader introduces me to him. It's formal and just ... but I was kind of envious of her when she used to call him and others at our sattelite Helpdesk and just yap. And I just wished I could also participate. The team leader tells me who he is and such. And I'm like cool...but he's not checking for me yet. I had just received  a new company laptop and needed it to have it set up so I asked our tech guy and he was like...well it's your "lucky" day- M is the one who programmed the whole thing and is the one who can give you the rights. I smile inside- hihihihi.

He was a bit busy but he was nice enough to tell me that he'd be with me as soon as he's done. I'm just fanning myself because I'm getting hot flashes and I still got 40 years till menopause - LMAO!!!  After he took care of some things, he comes over and starts with the laptop. He didn't have a chair so he was on his knees at my desk and had his full delicious chocolate arm leaning on my lap without any hesitation. I was a bit shifty but he was very cool and collected about it which impressed me because it could've been very awkward. But he was so sure about himself, and leaned in even more at times like all over me.

The Words that stuck
Somehow we started talking DC, hip hop, and the state of music. Well that was the glue that started making thing sticky and hot. I could tell he immediately got even more interested, and couldn't believe his eyes and ears that there was a female version of a person who knew what it was about Hip Hop. He showed me the making of "6ft 7ft" beat which now I do realize is pretty "sick". Aah..then the dawn of the "googly" eyes came and I had to laugh. Our conversation tinged with flirtation started entering that dangerous territory where my other colleagues would notice that chemistry is starting to fire between us. They did notice though and when I stood up to go get something at the shelf and he turned all the way back to watch my rear, another as I call him "jealous" co-worker remarked "M, I thought you only checked for thick girls". He retorted something back which I didn't completely understand and kept the conversation flowing.

By the end of the day, it was on for me. When I was in his way he would gently put his hand in the small of my back and was so careful to say excuse me. Oooee...when an attractive guy gently puts his hand in that place...I don't think they fully comprehend what that does to a woman. His touch was so tender...I could melt.  #movingon

Numbers Galore
Ha..well at the end of the day he could've stayed or took the plane out but he kept saying that if he didn't have anybody to spend time with *cough* around dinner time that he'd take the next trip out. I could feel his gaze and I'm like..#ohwell. Speak ye clearly or I dost not knoweth what you speaketh about. I did the quick ok Byee!!

O help me..
Hahha, well the thing about it is that he's the direct IT'er who is over all our systems so I have to interact with him if something goes awry. So dialing that direct line came way too easy and we struck hour long conversations over something that he fixed in 5 minutes. Oo I was DEF getting the co-worker *side eyes* and *mmmmhmm's*. Then I was called out by that dagnabbin' team leader saying "if you and M don't stop flirting!"- I was like uh uh...I'm not flirting, I'm just doing some collegiate friendly sparring #thatsall. Like I believed that myself. To which she responded that we should be working and not wasting time. When he heard that first he said to "f*** her". I had to laugh but then I said I denied flirting and he said "um...yes..we are definitely flirting" and I'm like aw dammn. YOU dun ruined my bubble!! hahahahhah

We've had regular contact and most of the time he stays stretching out the conversations and I'm like okeyers... Because sometimes he gets me in a bad mood or real sharp because I'm so busy and he gets all touchy about it. En fin, we have nearly all of each other's contact info and we bbm on the regular. The tension is escalating and he keeps referring to me as a "good one" and that's why he doesn't care if I catch him on his personal phone or work phone. I'm like ok...what's that supposed to mean but don't care to break my head about it. I let him pursue when he's in the mood for it which has been more often. We talk so informal and during the day and late at night. No...there is no webcam and sexy stuff involved. It's still very playful.

The Crescendo (in my head)
Honestly, I want to get this over with. He's a fantastic guy to talk to and his touch is tender. But we have an ocean that divides us..yes....that's a glitch in the fantasy. I don't travel anymore every month to there. And I don't know when my next work trip is. He asked when I was coming over but hey...I'm not spending extra coin on anything that's not concrete or clear. I doesn't bother me that things are taking their time. Whatever, honestly I'm more interested in a nice passionate fling and get it out of my system and move on. Which is why maybe this hasn't been allowed to happen. Saved M another "woman is trifling" story and myself maybe another "D'oh" moment.

But we'll see ....till his next bbm..hahhahaha..

Signing off,

Me..

P.S : the sunglasses have meaning. It's a symbol of him.

Digging Dirt

I wonder. Should I feel bad for this or not? I know somewhere in my closet of Integrity and Character I maybe shouldn't be spying on my prospective boss but hey you left a cookie trail. I just followed. Lol. Well as some of you may know I moved back to the Islands. The journey has been crazy at times but great overall in terms of learning. I definitely needed this time on Bonaire. I've learned so much and reconciled so much of myself that I had lost.

But back to the Boss story. So I am in the process of interviewing and all that. I am one to research everything. Yeah everything! If you thunk it, high probability that I've Googled it. Google Search is an extension of my brain. I've officially claimed it as an extraneous organ. What would I do without Google?

So I talked to a prospective boss, and he was telling me all sorts of stuff. Well lo and behold when I was searching stuff on Google that his profile shows up. Mm mm mmm...I get his Linked In, and even some pics he obviously tried to delete yet Google still has indexed. Aaah.. *giggles*

John Stewart face to my "findings". *Giggles*
umm...let me make sure I'm square on Google.

Toodles!

Sober : The Evolution of Christie

[ Defined] :

• not affected by a chemical substance (especially alcohol)
• cause to become sober; "A sobering thought"
• grave: dignified and somber in manner or character and committed to keeping promises; 
• sober up: become more realistic; "After thinking about the potential consequences of his plan, he sobered up"
• drab: lacking brightness or color; dull; 

1. It's been three weeks. Withdrawal is a mud puddle. Seriously! I joined @NaturallyJazzy in her quest for freedom from every negative thing that enslaves us. I gave up alcohol, swearing (even in my head), every form of negative thought and speech, and my own fears. The Journey has been enlightening, instructive, frustrating at times but very liberating. I don't like admitting it but I had made alcohol a coping mechanism the past months (before Tabula Rasa). The mounting stress with immigration, joblessness, finances, and other personal issues made my mind feel like it was bursting at the seams. When I did drink (during the weekends) I downed drinks like they were juice. If a drink didn't savor strongly I'd be put off from it. I sought the mellow feeling which only magnified my problems. Some imprudent decisions were made that I still regret. I had vowed before never to let alcohol become my crutch. Yet I feened for it like I feened for chocolate; in this case chocolate isn't bad. Alcoholism claimed two great-uncles of mine and the thought of becoming a dependent scared me. My conscience was constantly screaming "Red Flag" when it came to alcohol. Now being home with my parents who run a "dry" household- it's been tough at times. Like last Sunday when I walked past the alcohol isle staring at the Jose Cuervo Gold longingly wishing I could savor a sip or two. But as Providence would have it my Dad spotted me and told me "gal ya best walk past there quick before ya get tempted and fall." *sigh indeed- wisdom at its finest*. However, withdrawal feels good. Sounds twisted but it does. I know my body is losing its affinity for a substance. A great development in my case.


2. Sobering Thoughts
How I've been running my life for the past year has been fun but now sobriety has kicked in. Some of my actions made other people bear my consequences. I don't regret staying in the US as long as I did. It was great and I met some great people that God had orchestrated for me to meet. However, the financial debt I incurred is partly being paid with the assistance of my parents. A very sobering and humiliating thought. Here they were preparing to go into retirement mode and I drop into the scene botching things up. I know they are so willing to help though it puts their dreams on a backburner and this bothers me (emotionally). I was supposed to be helping them not vice versa. 


Being home on an island with 11,000 people really slows down your pace. There's little noise and distraction. I'm mostly home. Forget that, I'm nearly always home. My spirit gets to speak to me without much "noise". I hear my fears talking, my insecurities reaching, and my confidence swole up like a peacock. A very interesting mix indeed. I've already had a mini-breakdown but I needed it. I'd been walking for years with a type of invisible defense protecting myself since I have no family in the States. My family were strangers who became friends. Within secure and comfortable bounds- my psyche has the allowance to deconstruct without judgment or criticism. The progress I've made is fantastic. I've learned to see my confidence outside of any variable. I was reminded of my immeasurable worth. Of the fact that no one could denigrate me without my consent. I hand someone the power when I decide to let what they say affect my self-esteem. Great lesson indeed which could not be achieved without sobriety in substance and thought.


3. These developments have led me to be more realistic while broaching realism with unlimited belief in my potential. Sobriety doesn't have to be drab. I think that's one of my great fears. The thought of losing my playfulness in life simply gives me the heeby-jeebies. Sobriety is assuming a new level of responsibility. Of leaving a type of selfishness in action behind and strongly considering the consequences of ones actions on others. Of packing some more parachutes and while at it pack a wilderness survival kit. Not just jumping out the plane in good faith and hope I land right.


I hold these truths to be self-evident. Confidence is key but so is a carefully thought out plan. Yes, caution needs to be thrown to the wind at times but this isn't the best M.O. for life. Guess I'm getting that grown-up responsibility anyway. Though I'm in some type of weird "emerging adulthood" phase as called by the NY Times.


I leave you with their conclusion

“To be a young [American] today is to experience both excitement and uncertainty, wide-open possibility and confusion, new freedoms and new fears,” he writes in “Emerging Adulthood.” During the timeout they are granted from nonstop, often tedious and dispiriting responsibilities, “emerging adults develop skills for daily living, gain a better understanding of who they are and what they want from life and begin to build a foundation for their adult lives.” -NYTIMES "Emerging Adulthood"

I guess it is true. Good things come to those who wait or have their dreams delay. Maybe it's not a delay at all but divine providence to grow, mature even more, and leave a more uplifted person.

Playette

I need to stop playing with this man's emotion just because I want to be entertained. I met him..well no he came and met me at Blue Martini Lounge in West Palm Beach. He brought the jokes and magnified the good times. He had me laughing so hard, my cheeks hurt. He was so gentle and kind. My interest piqued. Especially since I was looking for entertainment before I had to face the music of leaving America- the land I love-the next day. We spent the time dancing and acting silly. The lackluster club started getting visitors because of us. The DJ got hype and spun some more urban/reggae stuff for us to dance to. It was blissful- exactly what I needed for that moment. Him being a pleasant addition to the Bliss. He entertained me and my friend with his quick wit. His friend was gentle and too cute despite the gold teeth. His "thug" image and the personality didn't quite fit (regarding the friend with gold teeth). He quite frankly looked like the dude's manager or body guard and he might've well been.

He's a comedian by night, a trainer by day. He had just finished his show at the Comedy Club next door and walked past Blue Martini and saw us. Decided to make acquaintance. There was no hesitation in his step. My friend makes us take a picture together. He gets all hugged up, his presence is non-threatening, I indulge him with a boo'd up picture. We stay acting silly and he keeps checking if I'm OK. He's not aggressive and stays in speech away from sexual innuendo. It was refreshing compared to all the dudes ready to stay rubbing themselves against your back. We end the night. They walk us back to our car. We're hugged up walking back and still laughing. I'm just about my own happiness at that time. It's nice to have a suitor who pursues but is gentleman like the way through. We keep talking at the car and it's entertaining. Then he keeps making comments about how come I'm single and talking about me in terms about being his wife. Both my friend and I were like..."WHoooOAA Buddy". This seems to be a common occurrence though. Guys claim me hard before I receive the Memo. It usually puts me off but he's so entertaining that I let it slip by. I can feel his connection to me is way deeper than I have to him. My insides stir with sympathy. He's on ocean level while mine is as shallow as a water puddle on asphalt. I pity him because he just walked into a closed door. He just hasn't realized it yet.

I know what I want out of a man. I know myself and I know I can't force a connection with person. I know who's for me and who isn't. This man is a great Mister Right-Now but not Mr. Right. Back to what was happening at that point of the night. He nearly well no he swears his undying allegiance for the rest of his life that he wants to prove to me he's a good man. I'm like, aww.. He's like "you know I make jokes but I'm pretty mature though." I say "well I could sense that because if you weren't I wouldn't have given you the time of day." Aa..I know some of you think I'm brutal...but I'm just brutally honest so there is limited space for confusion.

We kiss. Bliss continues because if he was bad pretty sure night would've been over asap.*chuckle* He's a fantastic kisser. I'm happy in the moment. No flicker of future just now.  He said he wishes he could stay in this moment (aka my mouth). I'm like hmmm...ok...Give me my lips back lol. Now he's really puzzled why I'm single. He's like you're a great kisser, you say you know how to take care of a man, cook, and do all that. Why in tarnation are you single? Aahhh...they don't get that I could be with someone but I don't feen like that. I want to be with someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life being just who we are- no striving or pushing. A connection so simple, so easy, yet so intriguing that I'd like to explore it and build on it for the rest of my life. While I'm single I use my time well to build up my arsenal of adventures, skills in the kitchen and home, and more :-). It's not about being alone but learning to be fulfilled within myself. I truely can say I'm so happy with myself and the roads I've traveled. Some diversions could've been skipped but I learned so much. The after-effects of those moments gave me so much in terms of maturity.

So my friend coaxes him into driving me to the airport. My friend is crazy. I'm like...umm..I don't know if this man is a serial killer/rapist. He picks me up in the morning. He's all shy and ten notches down from where he was last night. He's nervous. I can tell. He keep bringing up having five babies. I'm like ain't no five babies coming out of this. And why we talking babies. We are just getting to know each other. He pumps up the music at times to fill the time. I just feel that it's so adorable ( as in isn't it adorable how the cat is trying to ploy away with a toy). He wants to connect. He knows he's on borrowed time. I'm leaving the country for an unknown time.

We pull over to a gas station. He comes by the passenger side and kisses me again. I push him away pretty quickly. He's trying to relive the "magic" of last night. He says to me to not forget him. I told him "you have my email and I'll send you my phone number from down there but I refuse to make any promises that I might break." He confesses that he hates being single. Red Flag my friends. More like a referee of soccer red card then a blaring red siren. I can understand it for him. He's the type that loves serious committed relationships. He's at that stage in his life. And I think men like that can recognize wife types which I am but I'm not the one to attach myself to every mookie that makes googly eyes at me. Unfortunately for him, I'm not there. I guess I'm still in my "playette" years. It's fun to have someone to entertain me at times but not someone who's going to pull deeply out of me. No, I keep finding my heart rejects that connection. It's not that I'm not open to it but I guess my ying hasn't found its yang yet.

We get to the airport. He helps me with my luggage. He emphasizes wanting to be remembered. Maybe he knows he has fierce competition. He wasn't the only one within these two days asking me to promise my undying devotion. We hug, make out a bit, and I say good-bye. A fun page about to be turned over as soon as I enter the airport. He hangs unto the moment like it's destiny. I see it as a fleeting cloud. Pleasant to look at but so fleeting. I text him when I get home and thank him for his kindness. He responds. In one text calls me baby. I hate being called baby. It implies a closeness we haven't broached yet. I tell him that and say that I hope he's not offended. I can def feel the withdrawal in the next steps as he calls me by my name and says that it's ok- and that he's old enough to deal with my wishes. End of conversation.

In me, though I know it's so fleeting, I want to text him and talk because honestly I'd appreciate some type of distraction right now. But I know it's not good for me and definitely not good for him. I'm already subtly breaking his heart. I really don't want to make it a habit of leaving a trail of broken hearts. A new guyfriend of mine were laughing about how we play the same game. He's like with how you do and what you say- you must've broken  a lot of hearts. I don't think so but it might be the truth I refuse to believe. I'm just honest. Some things are moments, some are mistakes, some are pleasant memories for the future and I faithfully believe for the marriage of forever.

For now, I'm on a moment leading to forever. I pray for the casualties of the journey.

Smooches,

Sassy Island Gal

Bye, Bye, Sigh

Dedicated to Rome that fell

My friends, My comrades, My loved ones

In the middle of Convolution. The place of detachment. Ignoring the pain steadily invading. Breathing up, Thinking up, Minding up! Life is Perception. Forever is Fiction. My Soul Eternal. The glint of self-realization expanded exponentially suddenly snatched from my Reality.

What is this? [It feels like] Incomplete haunts my steps. Slowly coming unto me like an Attacker. Pouncing away what I want to achieve. Just when I'm climbing to the top of Babel- I spill into a new dimension of Confusion.

Hope doesn't escape me. I believe therefore I am. I'll be blessed to fail. I don't damn myself. Queen of Reinvention. Cleopatra ain't got nuthin' on me. Lemons cry for me. I got that Sugar. Bitter tastes Sweet. So what? Oh well!

This ain't no setback. It's a Springboard. I dive deep. Shallow ain't known me. So why you cryin'? I aint dying. Yeah it cuts but it isn't that deep. Yes I bleed. My soul aint steel. But I'll be damned to stay pitying.

I Pause. I let the Present rain over me. My Soul will miss its ties. Your presence strapped around my neck.  Carrying me dapperly into a new Reality. It will be well. Next time you see me, blink I'm gone.

Yet I live on. You know they can't keep me down.
It is what it is. But it will be what I want it to be.
Perception is key

Much love,

Christie

My Immigration Debacle

So for all my concerned friends- here's what's going on.

I've been here under a student VISA for near six years which included a year work VISA. The immigration system is awful to legal immigrants so I can't just call or pay for a Green Card. I have to be sponsored by someone. A job or person can sponsor me as an employee. The application is about $320 but there's the lawyer processing fees which are up in the thousands. The cheapest I've heard is $1500 plus VISA costs. This would tie me to the employer for three years unless I paid the costs.  Well since I haven't worked since February that's not an option. I invested all my money in grad school which gave me a work VISA too. However, I wasn't able to find steady employment in that first semester rendering me broke. Had I found a job in that time I would've kept paying school and had a work VISA to keep working under. Now that I finally have a job offer- my VISA is ending. The crazy dichotomy of my current state. So it's messed up- "purchase" on through school by paying 3k every three months or get sponsored by an employer which gives me more stability.

I appreciate prayers! If anything- I'll go home and if I get a new VISA. I'll be back on the ASAP.

Keep praying! I appreciate it all!!

Much love,

Christie