- not affected by a chemical substance (especially alcohol)
- cause to become sober; "A sobering thought"
- grave: dignified and somber in manner or character and committed to keeping promises;
- sober up: become more realistic; "After thinking about the potential consequences of his plan, he sobered up"
- drab: lacking brightness or color; dull;
1. It's been three weeks. Withdrawal is a mud puddle. Seriously! I joined @NaturallyJazzy in her quest for freedom from every negative thing that enslaves us. I gave up alcohol, swearing (even in my head), every form of negative thought and speech, and my own fears. The Journey has been enlightening, instructive, frustrating at times but very liberating. I don't like admitting it but I had made alcohol a coping mechanism the past months (before Tabula Rasa). The mounting stress with immigration, joblessness, finances, and other personal issues made my mind feel like it was bursting at the seams. When I did drink (during the weekends) I downed drinks like they were juice. If a drink didn't savor strongly I'd be put off from it. I sought the mellow feeling which only magnified my problems. Some imprudent decisions were made that I still regret. I had vowed before never to let alcohol become my crutch. Yet I feened for it like I feened for chocolate; in this case chocolate isn't bad. Alcoholism claimed two great-uncles of mine and the thought of becoming a dependent scared me. My conscience was constantly screaming "Red Flag" when it came to alcohol. Now being home with my parents who run a "dry" household- it's been tough at times. Like last Sunday when I walked past the alcohol isle staring at the Jose Cuervo Gold longingly wishing I could savor a sip or two. But as Providence would have it my Dad spotted me and told me "gal ya best walk past there quick before ya get tempted and fall." *sigh indeed- wisdom at its finest*. However, withdrawal feels good. Sounds twisted but it does. I know my body is losing its affinity for a substance. A great development in my case.2. Sobering Thoughts
How I've been running my life for the past year has been fun but now sobriety has kicked in. Some of my actions made other people bear my consequences. I don't regret staying in the US as long as I did. It was great and I met some great people that God had orchestrated for me to meet. However, the financial debt I incurred is partly being paid with the assistance of my parents. A very sobering and humiliating thought. Here they were preparing to go into retirement mode and I drop into the scene botching things up. I know they are so willing to help though it puts their dreams on a backburner and this bothers me (emotionally). I was supposed to be helping them not vice versa.
Being home on an island with 11,000 people really slows down your pace. There's little noise and distraction. I'm mostly home. Forget that, I'm nearly always home. My spirit gets to speak to me without much "noise". I hear my fears talking, my insecurities reaching, and my confidence swole up like a peacock. A very interesting mix indeed. I've already had a mini-breakdown but I needed it. I'd been walking for years with a type of invisible defense protecting myself since I have no family in the States. My family were strangers who became friends. Within secure and comfortable bounds- my psyche has the allowance to deconstruct without judgment or criticism. The progress I've made is fantastic. I've learned to see my confidence outside of any variable. I was reminded of my immeasurable worth. Of the fact that no one could denigrate me without my consent. I hand someone the power when I decide to let what they say affect my self-esteem. Great lesson indeed which could not be achieved without sobriety in substance and thought.
3. These developments have led me to be more realistic while broaching realism with unlimited belief in my potential. Sobriety doesn't have to be drab. I think that's one of my great fears. The thought of losing my playfulness in life simply gives me the heeby-jeebies. Sobriety is assuming a new level of responsibility. Of leaving a type of selfishness in action behind and strongly considering the consequences of ones actions on others. Of packing some more parachutes and while at it pack a wilderness survival kit. Not just jumping out the plane in good faith and hope I land right.
I hold these truths to be self-evident. Confidence is key but so is a carefully thought out plan. Yes, caution needs to be thrown to the wind at times but this isn't the best M.O. for life. Guess I'm getting that grown-up responsibility anyway. Though I'm in some type of weird "emerging adulthood" phase as called by the NY Times.
I leave you with their conclusion
“To be a young [American] today is to experience both excitement and uncertainty, wide-open possibility and confusion, new freedoms and new fears,” he writes in “Emerging Adulthood.” During the timeout they are granted from nonstop, often tedious and dispiriting responsibilities, “emerging adults develop skills for daily living, gain a better understanding of who they are and what they want from life and begin to build a foundation for their adult lives.” -NYTIMES "Emerging Adulthood"I guess it is true. Good things come to those who wait or have their dreams delay. Maybe it's not a delay at all but divine providence to grow, mature even more, and leave a more uplifted person.
