After so many attempts at obtaining something and being so close yet so far, I've decided to enjoy life as is. It can be easy to start picking yourself apart, yelling four letter words at God, and depressing your friends with another tale of woe. This time around it made me think of Karnaval.
Karnaval is a time in the Caribbean where people put their problems on the shelf, leave their negativity securely locked at home, and go out and just "DANCE". You enjoy yourself like there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow is thought of only as in "how much fun will I have". Forget worrying, forget your troubles, lets just dance, laugh, drink & eat. Funny how you can be in the midst of the worst situation ever and an invitation arrives to some event, and you're all smiles.
It works the same way in the valley of Despair. One crack of sunshine lights up the whole darkness. So seek that ray like a long lost precious piece of jewelry. Be it going out dancing with your friends, cracking that book you've been putting off to read, breaking out the blanket & laying in the sun. Do what cultivates happiness in you. A state of Happiness is not given but cultivated. Despite all the curve-balls that life throws at you trying to get you to strike out-you see the Silver Lining.
Eternally happy people used to make me sick-lol. My comprehension failed to understand the resilience of their joy in spite of opportunities for negative perspective. Having gone through my own Valleys of Insanity- the revelation dawned on me like the titillating morning Sun that I'm only one thought away from hope, happiness, and positivity. Humans naturally don't like hard times but it is an opportunity to grow into a more satisfied view of life. Instead of dread filling up your "space" choose to see the good in whatever you're going through. I know it's tough- heck..I used to be like..yall are straight up crazy trying to tell me to fake it, to make it. I'm not suggesting that. Mourn your disappointment yet choose to see something uplifting in it. This hard exercise will ultimately turn you into one of those "happy people". No you won't be screaming "awesome" and "amazing" the whole time but you'll have a seasoned resilience that attracts many to see the Source of it.
I’m cracking up at the Blogosphere as of late. Let me specify, the Black blogosphere. From diatribes on media hype on the single black women pandemonium to some sticking up the proverbial middle finger to the world. The consensus is media needs to stay out of our love lives and Steve Harvey is of the devil. Hahahhah, to the last one. Look, I’m not going to hammer further on a coffin that’s been pounded to ash twice turned over to look for scraps. No mam, it is what it is but I do want to give a real woman’s experience out there in “single black womanland”.
-Saturday What an akward yet funny day. It was one my friend’s birthday and we celebrated by hitting up an exotic eatery with seriously bad eighties elevator music. Still puzzled at their music connection to their foreign cuisine *smh* but this is beside the point. What is important is the fact that someone I had gone out with and have been put in connubiality without my knowledge was also there. Mr X.’s face lit up when he saw me and I cringed inside. No worries though, I followed my friend’s advice and made small talk with the group. Unbeknownst to me, conspiracies were being concocted. During the night much “personal space” was given to Mr X and I to commune.
The only reason I had given him a shot was because his friends nearly begged me to accept his offer of assignation. On paper he was all that I could've asked for. He’s a Harvard-law grad, did his undergrad at VanderBilt, is a prestigious lawyer in my city, and from what I heard—his bank account isn’t too shabby either. But I wasn't really impressed by his social skills. I TOTALLY Agree with the song “Can’t buy me love”. It’s not the content of someone’s achievements but the content of his character that will make you fall in love (Lesson Learned). He was sweet and accommodating however there wasn’t a “connection”. Saturday solidified my assessment even more. It’s just not there. Even after his best friend’s girlfriend EMBARRASINGLY asked at the table how “we” are doing. Missed the memo on our “we-ness” and I retorted smartly that she’d have to ask him that. The topic was dead (to me).
The end of the night came and he was very intent on letting me know he wanted to keep exploring the possibilities. Politely, I informed him I had already indicated that he was more than welcome to join me on Friday for dinner &jazz. It will be in a group setting but “Oh well”. However, he made sure he wanted to hang out besides that. I feel bad, I don’t like breaking people’s expectations (with people I refer to nice men). But I’ll try to do it as gently as possible.
So all this to say—black women are still dating and have great prospects. Forget all the negative reports. CNN/WashPost/ABC just concocted some women’s conundrum into a national epidemic for the sake of ratings/adspace money/whatever.
Second of all, I need to visit the watering holes again to be in the company of great men. Maybe I’ll meet another cool educated brother w/o an Ivy-League and all the hoopla of zeros in his bank. No need, all I appreciate is a good intelligent brother who pursues a woman and is able to provide in due timing. I’m glad I went through the experience with Mr.X to be woken up out of the silly delusion of “I needs the money, the cars, the social status, and Obama on my speed dial” to have a good man. A good man is just a man who has integrity. He pursues his goals with full passion but also knows how to recognize and treat a good woman.
I'm too Grown for these Childish Games. Why you wanna, play your games on me?
Red light. Green light. 123...
Consequence's title track honestly made me think. Why do we want to play Childish games when we're on grown level? Why are some people still applying high school mathematics to grad status life? I'm trying to get on Ph.D level yet you insist on imbecilic notions of the young and clueless. Understanding fails me trying to comprehend these simplistic oafs. Do they not see their nincompoopish thinking? Or do they willingly murk in the bacchanal of ignorance?
Lately, childishness in a grown person has been setting me off. I know we all have traveled different paths and have our own pain and vacillations. But you can't keep using your past as an alibi to continue unchanged through the present. There has to be a moment where you decide--this is it, I'm done and I'm going to crawl, be it one inch at a time out of my mess. Growth past tough life experiences is the true emblem of an adult. An adult is not only someone who is older in age but someone who has taken life's blows, lows, and throes turning it into a seasoned view of the world and its operations.
This is what I feel is desperately lacking in the world today. We have gotten comfortable in the psychologies of "kid at heart" and forgotten that at some point "kid" has to grow up. By no means do I perpetuate a sterile exercise of adult attributes. No, keep the essence of kid purity and wonderment at the world. You will need it to keep going in this world. To enjoy the treasures of life that are even wrapped up in pain and suffering. However, translate and grow your attributes to a more complex view of life. There's nothing sadder than watching a 50 year old throw a tantrum like a child asserting that everyone is against them. Trying to punish others which ultimately robs themselves of the beauty of companionship & growth. No matter what the circumstance-- pull back if it gets too much. Reflect, pray, chant, dance, whatever you need to do --but keep it grown.
You may consider him a lout or hail him as the renaissance man but Tyler Perry is one to start much cogitation. His crazy plots with subtle (or not so subtle) messages are usually at the forefront of much agitation. However, I cease and desist from taking shots at his lack of editorial talent and will focus on the semi-intelligent premise he does start his films with.
Why Did I get Married really got me contemplating the reasons behind my underlying apprehension to enter in such a "permanent" union. I'm by no means a commitment-phobe. Relationships to me are beautiful. People who are doing marriage well hold a special place in my heart. But whenever someone talks marriage especially when I was in college. A sour distaste was left in my mouth when I was asked for the umpteenth time why I was single and not actively pursuing the ideal of marriage. Was it my strong feminist roots? My fear of being trapped? I didn't know but I did some internal digging and came up with some reasons.
Top reasons for not being married
1. I can do whatever I please, whenever I please, with whomever I please. I prize my independence, my ability to maneuver my life wherever I deem fit. If tomorrow I feel like moving to Ecuador and becoming a sheep herder. So, be it. The flip side of this argument is the underlying premise that once married, I will have to forfeit all my plans and independence to my husband. While this does hold some clout in some way, I've come to realize that in a successful relationship you want to do that. Furthermore, not every man ( at least good ones) will want to change your destiny. They liked you because of what you currently are and are striving to be.
2. I have to be a stay-at-home mom Don't get me wrong. I love kids. I love the idea of nurturing the next generation of great leaders. But the thought of having to stay home all the time frightens me. I love to be out and about but when kids enter the picture it's different. On top of that, having only laundry, house-cleaning, knitting and I don't know what to keep me busy will probably drive me insane. I'm comforted by the fact that more than 60% of the female populations is actively employed (or seeking employment). Nannies, housekeepers and grandparents are an option in alleviating the burden of making "house". When the time comes, I will probably have some different sentiments but right now, I'm considering alternative options to house-making. Sure, not every woman who bears children becomes a homemaker however the tendency seems to be that the husband will want the woman to stay home with the kids. But I have to keep the belief that there are men out there who will support a woman's career instead of dousing it out.
3. Honestly, my trepidations about connubiality all boil down to the fact that I don't want to lose myself. Compromise and selflessness are cornerstones of marriage. Am I ready to forfeit myself for a lifetime for another person? I don't know, and that keeps me for now. The fact of not knowing. My dreams are actualizing and my life is on the path that I've been envisioning. Life is great. And I don't want to mess that up. I steadfastly hold unto the hope that someday soon I will meet a man whose agenda isn't to change me but to appreciate me for who I am.
I think that most of us who are single (except the desperado crew) are holding out because we want that unconditional love. The love that appreciates us for who we are. And is in content in being that.
My parents have been married for over twenty-five years. I've seen the delights of marriage and the valleys of abysmal misery it can cause. Their long-standing commitment has imparted such respect in me for the institution of marriage that I don't want to enter it lightly.
