Mentally Honest

Fellow Tweeters have been spreading awareness that May is Mental Health month. Within me stirred yet I remained quiet.. It's humbling to admit in front of everyone that I have battled with mental issues in my family and with myself. My grandmother had Schizophrenia and lapsed every three to six months. My mom battled cyclical depression. My other grandmother battled Alzheimer's. My aunts have had serious bouts with mental disease landing one in the hospital getting her stomach pumped. I grew up visiting my grandmother in the Hospital or forcing my mom to eat or drink something while she shut herself in the dark. She'd weep with such fervor and blame everything on everyone and everything. You know how hard it is to have  the one who birthed you crying so hard that she's clutching her heart (suffering from heart palpitations) blaming you for her current state.

Now, many of you might think it would have driven me crazy and into rebellion. It didn't. My sympathies and love for her is deep. She had gone through so much as a child- she was the Mother when my grandmother lapsed. As she did, I'd take care of the family when she would lapse for weeks on end shutting herself in the room. I'd make breakfast for my dad, made sandwiches for my little sister and I, and cook lunch/dinner. Having gone through that with close family members made me mature very quickly in mind. I VOWED to never be the victim and to seek to be happy. I knew the triggers. I knew what it took to get you down spiraling out of control. It took one toxic thought coupled with some hard situations to knock the best off their sanity. I thanked God for keeping me sane but unbeknown to me I was having my own issues.

Round my teenage years, my thoughts would turn very dark during certain times. Suicide would be on the forefront of my mind but I never went through with it because so many people "depended" on me. Puberty was rough. Peer pressure and teasing by friends and "well-meaning" family made me pick myself apart. However, I had to remain the "strong" one or else I felt things would cave in. My parents were so proud that out of all their daughters I was a testament of "happiness" through all. My mom always told me how she admired my resilient joy in all things. As much as I appreciated her sentiment, it drove me hard when I did go through depression moments. "Everyone" knew me as "Happy Christie". And my discontent would seriously alienate a lot of people.

Sweet seventeen happened or better said sour. I moved to another island to finish school. I lived in host homes and God knows I went through some terrible things. THIS is when I realized my clear predisposition for deep depression. I starved myself- I shut myself in a room in the dark- developed compulsions- sometimes wouldn't shower for days -my room was a COMPLETE mess- Pesks took residence and I could care less -Thoughts of death were constant & bitterness enveloped my tender heart.

Finally it became apparent that something was wrong with me to the outside world. My parents understood and it pained them a lot. It helped them face their own demons honestly.

Then I moved to the United States. I was SO EXCITED! The transition was so much easier and fun. However, repressed emotions resurfaced at simple thing. One night, something happened, and I tried to explain to my roommate why it bothered me so much. I started sobbing so hard my tongue paralyzed. My mind was numb with pain. My second nervous breakdown happened. My roommate having been diagnosed with mental disorder herself knew what was going on. She gave me one of the BEST advice I've gotten so far regarding mental health. She told me " Christie, release all those people who have hurt you, release them. All it's doing is making you sick and they're probably going along fine." I was instructed to make a list and that FORCED me to reconcile hard things that happened in my past. From abandonment issues, to low self-esteem issues, to rejection from people I treasured the most. I had to acknowledge that I didn't deserve all the pain. I was not the cause. I was not responsible for someone I knew suicide. She decided to end her life, it was her choice.

It's been quite a journey and I've gone from a compartmentalized view of myself to being holistically me. The Christie that you see today is a product of growth, release, and forgiveness. Through all the counsel and support- I've learned to be keenly aware of when I'm going "down". I know now when the elevator of my mind is chiming "going down". I know when I'm in that state that I have to surround myself with certain people, music, thoughts.

I learned to change my perspective on life. There's something innate in us that rejects pain, blames it on people, God, ourselves. We want perfection but this world isn't perfect. My journey has taught me to reconcile my pain with my beliefs. God didn't promise us a perfect life on this earth- that's what the afterlife is for. What He does say is to confess all your anguish, pain, happiness, sadness to Him honestly. God isn't hurt by our questioning and accusations. He understand we're limited creatures-lol. Look, I still have my yelling sessions at God, life, and what not. People know now that I'm 95% happy but that 5% can be intense but it's ok- perspective changes anything.

It says in the Christian Bible " Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven". I take solace in that.

My journey has taught me so much compassion for people. Mental ailing isn't something to make fun of but acknowledge. If you don't understand what someone is going through- then just hug them, let them know you love them- you care. Don't disparage them because they keep relapsing. It's a battle and victory is on the other side. For some- it's a lifelong journey. Some are delivered from it. Deliverance to me is KNOWING when you are going down and doing what you're supposed to do. Seek to be with people, FIGHT against your inwards notions to Isolate. I seek outside perspective. It always comes to me.

This is why I'm so joyful. I HAVE OVERCOME. I overcome constantly by staying hopeful despite life's stresses & triggers! Joy is one thought away and so is victory.

Change your perspective- Change your life.

Much love,
Christie